The Lampard-Gerrard Reunion Hits the Skids

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For almost two years, English fans trembled in fear and bowed their heads in shame. For over a decade, the glorious tandem of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard had bravely led the Three Lions to countless second rounds. Sadly, it appeared that Don Fabio Capello had forever axed the dynamic duo following World Cup 2010. Brits feared that they may never see the terrific tandem together in action again. Luckily, in one simple announcement, Roy Hodgson has revived the dreams of a nation.

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Futfanatico: Flying Dutchmen? The Startling Story of Arjen Robbin Van Persie

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Not since the Frankenstein-themed tale of Michael Owen Hargreaves has such a sad injury story buzzed to our attention. But during this last World Cup, we noticed two very odd occurrences. First, Robin Van Persie was playing soccer. Second, Arjen Robben was playing soccer. Could it be true, we thought? Have they conquered their injury troubles? We did a little digging though, and soon Van Marwijk’s terrifying plan came to light. And beware – it flies in the face of reality.

As any Arsenal fan can attest, Robin Van Persie is the perfect forward – a good frame, increasingly two-footed, and with a wonderful pivot, the Dutchman can dominate games when fit. That, however, has been the sticking point: “when fit.” Van Persie suffers from a unique medical condition known as “soresy ankles”, in which the slightest anticipation of pain causes them to cave in. Van Marwijk fields Van Persie when fit, but grew frustrated by the chronic injuries. He hatched a plan – could he create the perfect player by eliminating the boy’s ankles? Or replacing them? But how? And with whom?

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Futfanatico: The Merengue Pie World of Mourinho

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

A year ago, Fistedaway dug up enough dirt to bury the Gaza pyramids. We speak, of course, about Cristiano Ronaldo’s soiled Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed – he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso’s wife. Manuel Pellegrini, feeling the heat and desperate for a unifying team moment akin to Chelsea’s Terrygate, attempted to fuel the flames of this love triangle. Yet our lying sources never confirmed the consummate act. Until now.

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Liverpool deny Joe Cole was only signed for ‘unlocking’ ability

Just days after unveiling new signing Joe Cole, Liverpool have been forced to address rumours that the ex-Chelsea star had been signed purely on account of his fabled ‘unlocking’ abilities.

Cole is said to be looking to make an immediate impact by breaking into the team. Specifically, unlocking his team-mates’ reinforced mansion gates while they are out on European away trips, when he is likely to be sidelined with “a ‘niggling injury’, nahworramean?”. He has already demonstrated his eye for an opportunity by stealing Andriy Voronin’s iconic number 10 shirt from fellow new signing Milan Jovanovic, who was sure he left it just there.

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Dutch unveil new brand of ‘Total Bastard Football’

After decades of careful refinement, precision training and deep aesthetic study – then canning all that nonsense – Sunday’s World Cup was the scene for the unveiling of Dutch football’s latest revolution, the new style of  ‘Total Bastard Football’.

The totaalbastaardvoetbal tactical theory relies on a perpetual and fluid interchange of positions, demanding that all outfield players, be they a tightly-permed midfielder or even a bald midfielder, are able to boot any team who dares to play football against them firmly into touch. The system places great physical demands on players like Mark van Bommel and Nigel de Jong, as they must boot them up and down the entirety of the pitch, covering every blade of (thankfully absorbent) grass on the pitch.

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Futfanatico: The Jabulani: Defiant, yet dangerous

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

A star is born. With criticism flying from all corners of the globe, the Jabulani finally made a public appearance, leaving a lasting impression on all present with her panache, wit, and iron-clad confidence. In summation, think Maradona but a bit less plastic, and a bit more polyurethane.

The questions started off heatedly, with one reporter asking Jabulani about her errant and flighty past. Batting her eyelashes and pausing for effect, she replied in her heart-melting and inspecifically foreign accent – “Well, ze French believe that I am too perfect. And I believe zat I agree.” After a round of laughter and an immediately more relaxed atmosphere, one still serious journalist tried again to knock her off her pedestal. “What of the claims from an Englishman and an Algerian, in less than a week, of being deceived by your initial look?” Jabulani’s face turned stern, but only fleetingly before her trademark smile served prelude to a delicious riff. “Vith my curves, I can only be handled by a man, not a boy.”

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World Cup referees voice concerns over new match ball plinth

In a World Cup dogged by controversy, English referee Howard Webb has launched the latest salvo with his savage criticism of the official World Cup match ball plinth that referees daintily pick the Jabulani up from at the start of each match. “For the referees it’s proving a nightmare,”. he was overheard telling anyone who would listen at a FIFA official cocktail party in Bloemfontein. “This new plinth is so light and flyaway – why, it’s like one of those plinths you get for 50p in the newsagents”.

Between mouthfuls of springbok canapes, Webb added: “It’s not just me making a big song and dance about it, for once, it is also terrible for the referee’s assistants, because they have to sort of…walk around it. That’s very difficult when you’re holding a colourful flag”.

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Les Bleus “tarnish the image of France” with their inability to even go on strike properly

After France exited the World Cup today in ignominy at the bottom of Group A, they faced the further humiliation of a shaming insult from Minister for Sports Roselyne Bachelot, who insisted that their failure to complete the most basic strike action had “tarnished the image of France” in the eyes of the world.

“People look to the French for many basic things”, mused Bachelot from her café table. “par exemple: style, culture, modesty, but more than anything else, the ability to arrange and sustain devastating strike action at the drop of a beret. At the very least, they expect to see lorries in flames, blocking the main transport links, with unshaven man swaggering through the wreckage”.

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Robbie Earle insists that “those 36 Dutch girls were family”

Sacked ITV pundit Robbie Earle continued to fight the allegations of his World Cup ticket misappropriation, today insisting that the 36 mini-skirted Dutch fans were just his sisters.

“I am shocked and appalled by these claims against me and my beloved sisters”, confessed Earle, “as is our mother Wilhelmina”. The ex-Wimbledon striker revealed that contrary to the popular belief that he was brough up in Weston Coyney, he had in fact secretly been raised in a little flat in tough Amsterdam neighborhood, the Bijlmermeer. “It wasn’t easy for moeder, putting food on the table for the 37 of us kids. Not just the expense, but it was a logistical nightmare finding a table of that size. And don’t get me started on the queue for the bathroom in the morning! We had a ticketing machine”.

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Platinum Stars begin inquest after ‘Platinum Generation’ falls to plucky English tourists

With their dreams shattered by a touring England side on Monday, Platinum Stars’ much vaunted ‘Platinum Generation’ are this week beginning the post-mortem. This was supposed to be the Stars’ great chance to shine, but yet again they have fallen short on the largest stage.

After going behind to a shock early goal to what appeared to be a competition-winning team mascot, the Stars fell apart entirely, conceding a second to the unemployed Joseph Cole, and a humiliating late third strike to a man who had seemingly wandered in from the car-park where he had being previously enjoying a nutritious fight.

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