Roberto Mancini’s imaginary card-waving results in imaginary ban for Martin Škrtel

FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.

The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:

• shadowplay,
• miming that he ‘got the ball’ in a tackle
• and Kenny Dalglish’s imaginary tactical discussions.

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Carlos Tevez to spend suspension refusing to play with his kids

Carlos Tevez has today announced his attention to spend his recent club suspension refusing to engage in any way with his children, Florencia, 6, and Katie, 2. Manchester City handed down the suspension to the errant striker after he disobeyed manager Roberto Mancini’s orders for him to come on as a substitute, so Tevez has decided to bring his work home with him.

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Futfanatico: Nigel de Jong – anty football

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Contemporary society demonizes and isolates its sinners. Rehabilitation? Ha. Treatment? Never. Empathy? Only in small doses. And the case of Nigel de Jong is no different. While Nigel has had a few run-ins with the ankles of opposing players, the cascade of harsh proclamation has deafened an important voice in the matter – Nigel himself. Thus, we present a wholly fabricated yet important interview of the man for you to decide – monster or misunderstood?

“Q: Mr de Jong, the mainstream media has vilified you as a monstrous tackler, yet we want readers to see the man behind the studs. In that vein, as a young child, did you dream of being a footballer?

A: Actually, my first memories of my childhood was playing with ants in my family’s backyard. I took a keen interest in how they operated, if they felt pain, and would stare at them for hours under a microscope, carefully plucking their appendages, limb by limb. I couldn’t tell if they hurt because they only shook when I tore off their legs, so I naturally got a gig volunteering at the local Museum of Entomology. Football was far from my mind – I wanted to go to uni and work in a museum!

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Roberto Mancini – The scarf behind the man

FistedAway EXCLUSIVE:

Roberto Mancini’s scarf has broken its silence after joining the manager in England to take charge of Manchester City. The fashionable item of neckwear opens up about its tough Roman upbringing and quickly becoming a fashion icon in a Premier League sadly lacking in chic after Jose Mourinho’s jacket followed the ‘Special One’ to Inter Milan:

When you look at me, what do you see? An item of clothing that is both practical and stylish, cosy, but -  dare I say – cool? Sure, image is important – but I am so much more than something to look at, idolise, and then buy a £8 replica of in the Manchester City Club Shop.

I have always wanted to come to England and have the opportunity to be worn in some of the greatest stadiums the world over, places my heroes have graced. You know the calibre of accessories I’m talking about; David Pleat’s slip on shoes, Ryan Gigg’s detachable chest hair or Iain Dowie’s fright mask. It says a lot about Roberto that he was willing to come here for me, and not, despite what any of you gossip queens out there might think, because my colours match those of Manchester City…

Oh, I cannot live this lie any more! The truth is that deep down, I have always been a Lazio scarf.

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Vieira’s City debut delayed by new injury setback

New Manchester City signing Patrick Vieira has suffered a new injury setback after succumbing to a draft. It is understood that the combative midfielder aggravated the injury at home after a rug covering his knees became dislodged, which in turn caused him to spill his Horlicks.

Despite the injury, newly installed manager Roberto Mancini remains delighted at his capture and his impact on the squad in the time Vieira has had with them since joining. “It is great to have a World Cup winner in the dressing room” said Mancini. “Of course that was 1998; well, it was a different time back then. Hip Hop had just been invented by Run DMC & Jason Nevins of course, and we had street parties to celebrate – with people dressed up as B-boys and impromptu MC battles. Patrick was instrumental in landing France the inaugural World Cup, which, lets not forget, was only brought about after the League of Nations failed. He still possess those qualities which helped him win his midfield battle against the great Caetano Veloso of Brazil”.

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January Weather Transfer Gossip

Following a successful recent loan spell, Gianfranco Zola is looking to make Snow a permanent signing. “Snow’s contribution to the Wolves game was the best striking performance of our season” said the increasingly haunted spectre of a once hirsute Shire horse.

Full story: Daily Mail

Harry Redknapp has signed some gritted dripping Slush, and despite its lack of consistency and rapidly depreciating ability, awarded it a contract of  £80,000 a week.

Full story: The Guardian

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