Robbie Keane reveals his boyhood dream to play for a club that he didn’t support as a child

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Mark Patterson :::

Ireland striker Robbie Keane intends to fulfil the last major ambition of his career by making a January switch to a club for which he feels absolutely nothing.

Keane, 31, has played for nine different clubs since he left Crumlin United as a bright-eyed youngster for the bright lights and orange shirts of Wolves, but told Fisted Away that he had set his heart on a new challenge.

“I’d love to just turn out for a club where I basically didn’t care either way,” Keane said.

“I would be happy even just sitting on the bench for a bit; it would be less pressure than knowing that if I don’t score the winner, my 10-year-old self will cry himself to sleep at night.”

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Ashley Jung’s Goal Celebrationalysis: Robbie Keane

FistedAway are pleased to welcome back the influential thinker and the founder of analytical psychology, Ashley Jung. Ashley previously psychoanalysed the goal celebration of Chelsea striker Nicolas Anelka in an attempt to help us understand the deep rooted psychological reasoning behind it. Refreshed by a move to Manchester United, Ashley has decided to focus on new LA Galaxy signing Robbie Keane:

Upon completing a score Mr Keane will canter towards the nearest corner flag, executing a half cartwheel, half forward roll before playfully spraying fans with a hailstorm of imaginary bullets. Is Mr Keane suggesting, as I did, that:

“Nobody, as long as he moves about among
the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble”

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FAI ask ITV for extra place for Jedward in X Factor Final

Following FIFA’s refusal to grant Ireland an unprecedented 33rd spot at  next year’s World Cup in South Africa, ITV have revealed that the FAI have now sensationally requested that Jedward be reinstated into the occasional singing contest X Factor.

Simon Cowell appeared at a press conference yesterday to  read out a prepared statement in between bouts of laughing into his hand. “The FAI have asked - pfffft! – very humbly -fnarr- “can’t we be act number 5?”. Bwaaa! Yeah, they have asked for that really. It’s almost as if they haven’t thought about the ramifications of this at all, and are just trying anything now”.

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Spurs’ new social media monitor reportedly ‘bored to tears’

Following Darren Bent’s Twitter indiscretion, Spurs have met with more embarrassment as their newly appointed social media monitor is only a week into the job and already reputedly on the verge of quitting in disillusionment at ‘the torrent of inanity, self-obsession and quizzes. Oh god, the quizzes’.

Speaking to FistedAway under the condition of anonymity, the monitor lifted the lid on the unimaginable horror of having to wade through every single missive from professional footballers.

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Premier League Predictions from Lawstrodamus

SATURDAY

Arsenal v Bolton

“Stained with murder and enormous adulteries,
Great enemy of the entire human race:
One who will be worse than his grandfathers, uncles or fathers,
Kevin Davies is just letting him know he’s there Gary“

Aston Villa v West Brom

“The great empire will be for England,
The all-powerful one for more than three hundred years:
Great forces to pass by sea and land,
Foreign players just don’t understand what these derbies mean to the fans, do they Alan?”

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