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Posts Tagged ‘Premier League’

The Back Stick of It

The Football Association HQ

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Webbie,
who runs the original – and still the best - Football and Music :::

[ESTABLISHING SHOT] Wide view overlooking Soho Square. The camera then slowly pans over to the FA Headquarters and starts to move in towards the front door. As we enter, we see the marbled halls. The camera takes a walk through looking left and right and there are scenes reminiscent of a gentlemen’s club. Fat suits lounging around, all smoking Cuban cigars. Finally we come up to a closed door, it is opened and we walk through to see a meeting taking place. At the head, behind a giant oak desk there are three FA execs, infront of them sits an impossibly exotic Premier League footballer and his representative/interpreter.

[Suit Number 1] “So then Mr Juniorhohio you know why you are called in here today ?”

[Interpreter turns to footballer] (In Spanish – English subtitles) “These fat pigs want to suck your polla.”

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At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.

The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.

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Looky, Shouty, Pointy, Hungry, Oi-oi!, Bleurgh

A new advert for the Premier League has received a widespread panning for being, in truth, “a terrible advert for the Premier League”. Fans and critics alike have dismissed the advert for being unrealistic, bombastic, and – worst of all – a bit silly.

The advert, which featured a soundtrack somehow combining indie-rock, dubstep and a gravel voiced Scottish man reading an unprecedentedly alliterative poem that may as well have been written by a 12-year-old, was shown for the first time at an all star gala co-hosted by Mark “Clem” Clement and Tim “44″ Lovejoy.

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Reports emanating from the locality of the Sky Sports News ticker suggest that the managers of the bottom five Premier League clubs have ordered their players to shoot on sight, in an attempt to ease their goals crisis and avoid relegation.

However, several current squad members and meddling ex-players who are out of work at the moment, have criticised the move and blamed their under pressure Gaffers for sparking a panic-shooting crisis. News has been filtering out of training complexes throughout the day, revealing 2-3 hour long queues in shooting practice, ball rationing and even fisticuffs as tempers flared in the unseasonable warm weather.

With some clubs worried they will run out of goals completely before the end of the week, special measures have been put in place.  This has included sessions after training where players can top up on goals, as well as giving them special dispensation to store up to 5 goals at home, just in case.

This advice was latter withdrawn after industry experts warned that keeping goals at home could be dangerous. One unnamed player suffered 40% bruising all over his body after trying to decant some of his goals into the kitchen sink.

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Roberto Mancini waves an imaginary card. Not sure if it is red or yellow. Could be anything he likes, really.

FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.

The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:

  • shadowplay,
  • miming that he ‘got the ball’ in a tackle
  • and Kenny Dalglish’s imaginary tactical discussions.

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Ian Holloway

With Blackpool having exceeded all expectations in their debut Premier League season, their colourful manager Ian Holloway is many neutrals’ choice for Premier League Manager of the Year. A confident Holloway is believed to be preparing an absolutely tortuous speech: riddled with zany turns of phrase, clunking West Country references and an extended metaphor involving two pints of cider and a cornish pasty.

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A man sat in a pub has amazed onlookers with his astonishing feats of prediction by recalling several sweeping statements he made in the run up to the current Premier League season. The man has reached the unavoidable conclusion that he had been right “all along” about a number of broadly defined things which have, amazingly, since happened.

Opinions have ranged as to whether he said it at another location with different people, or possibly loudly to himself whilst listening to TalkSport, it was still irrefutable proof of his unrivalled footballing knowledge, and a timely reminder of the magnitude of his manhood.

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Black 'Blacky' Armband : 1850-2010

Premier League clubs will next weekend join forces and don black armbands in memory of Black Armband. In an official statement Premier League ideas man Richard Scudamore said “The loss of Black Armband has been a massive shock to the whole footballing community. After some deliberation, we have decided that the most appropriate gesture in the circumstances would be the wearing of black armbands, or the favoured black tape.  In this way, we can send a message that Black Armband will never be forgotten”.

Tributes have also poured in from current and ex professionals, with ex-Newcastle and England front-man Alan Shearer deeply affected by the loss.  “It was very close to my heart. Literally. My heart is, of course, in my elbows”.

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lawstrodamus

SATURDAY

Arsenal v Bolton

“Stained with murder and enormous adulteries,
Great enemy of the entire human race:
One who will be worse than his grandfathers, uncles or fathers,
Kevin Davies is just letting him know he’s there Gary

Aston Villa v West Brom

“The great empire will be for England,
The all-powerful one for more than three hundred years:
Great forces to pass by sea and land,
Foreign players just don’t understand what these derbies mean to the fans, do they Alan?”

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