Martin Samuel’s Best Frank Lampard of All Time

Hello children and Daily Mail readers, I’m Martin Samuel yeah? YES.

It’s an anagram of ‘Menstrual Aim’ and “Maria Men Lust’, but I’m still ALL MAN.

A couple of weeks ago my bearded gaze was drawn like a moth to the 60w bulb of the Champions League final. This got me thinking – at least that is what my therapist said that grinding sound was – is Lionel Messi the greatest player that ever did grace this stage, how does he match up to the superstars of the game’s history? The past few years anyway, I’m on a fackin deadline.

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Martin Samuel’s Top 50 Chelsea Players (Part 1)

Hello children and Daily Mail readers, I’m Martin Samuel, yeah? Martin is derived from ‘God of War’ and Samuel means ‘God has heard’. Get that? ‘God of War, God has heard’. God fears ME.

I can tell from the way that you look deep into my beards that you want to lay your head there and go to sleep. I like to watch you breathe and feel your hot breath waft through my bearded forest.

This week my beardy eyes have been drawn to Giles Smith’s ‘Top 50 Chelsea Players’. All well and good I thought, but someone should get the leading authority on Chelsea Football Club to write their own list. Unfortunately Tim Lovejoy wasn’t available, so I’ve been asked to do it instead.

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Martin Samuel: Why can’t Gerrard and Lampard beat up men together for England?

Hello children and Daily Mail readers. I’m Martin Samuel. Yeah, Martin Samuel. Two first names. Two more than you, you plum.

This week, my beardy eyes have been caught by the Steven Gerrard story. As usual, British justice has moved with the speed of a me, and an incident that took place not even a whole year ago has made a late sprint into court to get on the end of a cross. Like the rest of you, I am sure that you have been on tenterhooks to see justice served.  It’s a terrible example to children to see a role model acting like that. I’m sure I speak for all of us – and I invariably assume that I should – that growing up we all looked up to Southport businessmen din’t we? How does this rotter think he can get away with it?

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Emmanuel Eboué tragically forgets that he is Emmanuel Eboué

Following his agent’s announcement that Emmanuel Eboué will only leave Arsenal for one of the big Italian clubs, the Ivorian’s friends have expressed concern that he has failed to realise that he is actually Emmanuel Eboué reports Nigel Spickanspan.

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Martin Samuel’s Frank Lampard of the Week

"My, what beardy eyes you have" ...."All the better to eat you with"

Hello children and Daily Mail readers. I’m Martin Samuel. Yeah, Martin Samuel.

- Why, yes! I suppose my beard does look like candy floss. It is hair flavour.

Anyway, you are probably all dying to know who is in my team of the week aren’t you? I have spent my weekend closely analysing the games, consulting statistics, reviewing highlights, and making painstaking notes.

Then I took my pencil and jammed it repeatedly in my ear, forcing any new insight out of my brain. I watched the very essence of lucidity dripping down the side of my head, lost forever  in the enchanted forest of beard.

I also ate the notes. Needed some salt, the words were bland and vapid.

Upon regaining consciousness, I was ready to make my selection for the team of the week. Well, I think that you will be very surprised.

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