BBC desperately trying to get MOTD team to say something career-ending on air

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A BBC insider has revealed the lengths the corporation has gone to entrap the Match of the Day team- into uttering something so heinous that they have an excuse to sack them immediately.

The Match of the Day team are known to have long-term contracts with a variety of cast-iron clauses preventing them from being moved on for otherwise career-ending misdemeanours, including traffic offences, affairs, comparing a tackle to rape or not knowing anything about Hatem Ben Arfa.

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Euro 2012: Battle of the Broadcasters

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Michael,
who has an ace surname and runs the splendid Regista :::

Euro-time is almost upon us. And yet, most of our attention is wrongly focused on the national teams competing at the finals, when we should be weighing up the merits of the real heroes – the broadcasters. Let’s see how the two heavyweights line up.

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Roberto Mancini’s imaginary card-waving results in imaginary ban for Martin Škrtel

FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.

The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:

• shadowplay,
• miming that he ‘got the ball’ in a tackle
• and Kenny Dalglish’s imaginary tactical discussions.

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Influx of foreign talent harming development of homegrown pundits

Television bosses are considering a root and branch redevelopment of British punditry, amid claims that imported stars, such as Clarence Seedorf and David Ginola, are harming the prospects of young English pundits.

The move comes in the aftermath of the Match of the Day team’s poor showing at the World Cup. This dip in form has continued worryingly into the new season, with no sign of abating. The question of why the team performed so poorly has split experts and journalists.

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Alan Green ruins Bambi

Now, I’m not negative about many things folks – a baby’s laugh, Jessica Alba’s face, and how the debt at Liverpool Football Club is affecting the quality of their half time sausage rolls (they taste like…sadness) but after watching Bambi tonight, Mr Disney should take a good long hard look at himself in the mirror. Just like I do every night before going back to my home to see my family. Some days are harder than others.

Bambi’s inability to stand, let alone walk, in the opening exchanges is further evidence enough that he is simply not ready for the top flight. Things then go from terrible to tyeeerrrrriiiiiibble! The ‘big three’ Bambi, Thumper and Flower scamper aimlessly around with little purpose in their own half. Fergoodnesssakes, they are not going to win over the fans with this sort of frippery! It’s like they’re trying to walk it into the thicket.

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Arsenal apparently don’t like it up, across, through, or lunging recklessly into them

Following painstaking research from the nation’s leading football pundits, and Robbo Robson, it has been discovered that many Arsenal players – amazingly - do not take kindly to being maimed every other year.

As well as not relishing the time-honoured British traditions of seeing their stricken teammates’ limbs hanging off by a spindly thread and receiving oxygen as they leave the pitch,  it has also been rumoured that Arsenal are also believed to be, shockingly, mainly foreign (ed-I know! Who knew?). A close analysis of birthplaces reveals that some of the players are from distinctly non-English sounding places like ‘Caerphilly’ and ‘Plaistow’, which no-one can pronounce.

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“[INSERT PLAYER NAME] for England” says [INSERT PLAYER NAME]

Following his perfectly acceptable performance against [insert team], there has been talk of [insert player name] playing his way into the England squad for next year’s World Cup in South Africa.

Speaking after the match, with the potent combination of sweat and adrenaline still coursing through his cerebral cortex [insert player name] said “If I can keep up this run, then who knows? It’s not up to me to decide. That would involve a radical restructuring of the England setup. I just hope that Mr Capello was watching”.  Although the England manager was at the game, it is believed that he left too early to see [insert player name]‘s late contribution to the game, which included a speculative shot from 4 yards out which narrowly grazed a steward.

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Kevin Nolan: “Actually, I think you’ll find that I am ‘that kind of player’”

Kevin Nolan has sensationally broken his silence over his horror tackle on Victor Anichebe. In an open letter to Fisted Away readers, Kevin lays bare his soul and will dive in two-footed…straight to your heart.

I’d like to thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak about Sunday’s events. I want to put right a few of the hurtful things that have been written about me in the wake of my horror tackle. Football is a passionate, frenetic game, and a lot of things have been said; words of angry clay, forged in a kiln of pure emotion. But I would like to assure David Moyes and everyone else  that I truly am, “that type of player“.

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Match of the Day refuse to broadcast Hull Crisis Appeal

"Millwall were just letting them know they were there, Gary"

Saturday’s Hull vs Milwall cup-tie left over 50 seats in the KC Stadium in ruins. Many hundreds more were scuffed, leading to local hardware stores being overwhelmed. Yet the Match of the Day team have controversially refused to transmit the Disasters Emergency Committee Hull Crisis Appeal, reports Nigel Spickanspan

Speaking at a press conference, Gary Lineker said “We are passionate about defending Match of the Day’s impartiality. We worry that such an emotive and political story would compromise our commitment to kneejerk punditry, mawkish backslapping and the commodifying of football as light entertainment. We worry about being seen to endorse something which could give people the impression that we were backing one side. When in reality, even if we did show it we would much rather stick something like this right at the end of the show when most people have turned off in frustration at our tiresome ‘banter’ “.

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Premier League Predictions from Lawstrodamus

SATURDAY

Arsenal v Bolton

“Stained with murder and enormous adulteries,
Great enemy of the entire human race:
One who will be worse than his grandfathers, uncles or fathers,
Kevin Davies is just letting him know he’s there Gary“

Aston Villa v West Brom

“The great empire will be for England,
The all-powerful one for more than three hundred years:
Great forces to pass by sea and land,
Foreign players just don’t understand what these derbies mean to the fans, do they Alan?”

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