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Posts Tagged ‘Liverpool’

Lampard and Gerrard

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

For the past decade, two midfielders have owned the centre of the park for the Three Lions: Steven Gerrard of Liverpool and Frank Lampard of Chelsea. For years, fans have watched these two players make the same run, step on one another’s toes, lazily expect the other to tackle, fail to beat up men and pass to the other team. But as the sun sets on their respective careers, fans know ask: can the two of them successfully not botch the job in midfield at the same time?

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Slur Alex
::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Sir Alex has a long-held reputation for suffering no fools and making his voice heard. However, this time his tongue has gotten him into serious trouble, invoking a lifetime “no-touch-line” ban for all gentlemen clubs forming part of the Foxy-entertainment Association (FA). Why, you may ask? The following may shock you.

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When a transfer window closes, a door opens; Andy Carroll’s landmark £35m move from Newcastle to Liverpool, broke not only the transfer record for a British player, but also racial boundaries. The date of Wednesday 2 February shall ring through the ages, as this was the day when James Lawton of the Independent chose to describe the striker as “raw”, a new era of equality and understanding between races dawned, as the young Carroll became the first white player to be described in these vaunted terms. (more…)

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New Liverpool signing Raul Meireles is set to disappoint die-hard Reds fans with the stunning claim that he only joined Liverpool “ironically”. Speaking just days after making his debut versus Birmingham City on Sunday, Meireles is however understandably aware of the history of the club, admitting that he is “really into that late 80s early 90s stuff right now”.

When offered the chance of a move following Javier Mascherano’s departure to Barcelona, the Portuguese could not refuse the opportunity for what he called “LULZ” – presumably some kind of Lower East Side Porto slang – adding that “Liverpool right now are sort of like so bad they’re good?”

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Just days after unveiling new signing Joe Cole, Liverpool have been forced to address rumours that the ex-Chelsea star had been signed purely on account of his fabled ‘unlocking’ abilities.

Cole is said to be looking to make an immediate impact by breaking into the team. Specifically, unlocking his team-mates’ reinforced mansion gates while they are out on European away trips, when he is likely to be sidelined with “a ‘niggling injury’, nahworramean?”. He has already demonstrated his eye for an opportunity by stealing Andriy Voronin’s iconic number 10 shirt from fellow new signing Milan Jovanovic, who was sure he left it just there.

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Following his return to England duty after three years of international retirement, Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher  has sensationally revealed that he is yearning to go to South Africa for the chance to be burgled, repeatedly, throughout the tournament.

Though some had predicted a harsh response from the England faithful, many of whom live in relatively safe areas, the Liverpool defender is unmoved by the prospect of criticism. “This is about me. It isn’t about anyone else. Before criticising me, people need to get their own house in order, which admittedly can be difficult when there are fragments of glass ground into the carpet, paint flung on the rugs, and – oh God, what is that smeared on the wall? Is it…?It is. Heurrgh”.

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Now, I’m not negative about many things folks – a baby’s laugh, Jessica Alba’s face, and how the debt at Liverpool Football Club is affecting the quality of their half time sausage rolls (they taste like…sadness) but after watching Bambi tonight, Mr Disney should take a good long hard look at himself in the mirror. Just like I do every night before going back to my home to see my family. Some days are harder than others.

Bambi’s inability to stand, let alone walk, in the opening exchanges is further evidence enough that he is simply not ready for the top flight. Things then go from terrible to tyeeerrrrriiiiiibble! The ‘big three’ Bambi, Thumper and Flower scamper aimlessly around with little purpose in their own half. Fergoodnesssakes, they are not going to win over the fans with this sort of frippery! It’s like they’re trying to walk it into the thicket.

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