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Posts Tagged ‘Liverpool’

New Liverpool signing Raul Meireles is set to disappoint die-hard Reds fans with the stunning claim that he only joined Liverpool “ironically”. Speaking just days after making his debut versus Birmingham City on Sunday, Meireles is however understandably aware of the history of the club, admitting that he is “really into that late 80s early 90s stuff right now”.

When offered the chance of a move following Javier Mascherano’s departure to Barcelona, the Portuguese could not refuse the opportunity for what he called “LULZ” – presumably some kind of Lower East Side Porto slang – adding that “Liverpool right now are sort of like so bad they’re good?”

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Just days after unveiling new signing Joe Cole, Liverpool have been forced to address rumours that the ex-Chelsea star had been signed purely on account of his fabled ‘unlocking’ abilities.

Cole is said to be looking to make an immediate impact by breaking into the team. Specifically, unlocking his team-mates’ reinforced mansion gates while they are out on European away trips, when he is likely to be sidelined with “a ‘niggling injury’, nahworramean?”. He has already demonstrated his eye for an opportunity by stealing Andriy Voronin’s iconic number 10 shirt from fellow new signing Milan Jovanovic, who was sure he left it just there.

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Following his return to England duty after three years of international retirement, Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher  has sensationally revealed that he is yearning to go to South Africa for the chance to be burgled, repeatedly, throughout the tournament.

Though some had predicted a harsh response from the England faithful, many of whom live in relatively safe areas, the Liverpool defender is unmoved by the prospect of criticism. “This is about me. It isn’t about anyone else. Before criticising me, people need to get their own house in order, which admittedly can be difficult when there are fragments of glass ground into the carpet, paint flung on the rugs, and – oh God, what is that smeared on the wall? Is it…?It is. Heurrgh”.

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Now, I’m not negative about many things folks – a baby’s laugh, Jessica Alba’s face, and how the debt at Liverpool Football Club is affecting the quality of their half time sausage rolls (they taste like…sadness) but after watching Bambi tonight, Mr Disney should take a good long hard look at himself in the mirror. Just like I do every night before going back to my home to see my family. Some days are harder than others.

Bambi’s inability to stand, let alone walk, in the opening exchanges is further evidence enough that he is simply not ready for the top flight. Things then go from terrible to tyeeerrrrriiiiiibble! The ‘big three’ Bambi, Thumper and Flower scamper aimlessly around with little purpose in their own half. Fergoodnesssakes, they are not going to win over the fans with this sort of frippery! It’s like they’re trying to walk it into the thicket.

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After confirming they are to put Liverpool up for sale, George Gillett and Tom Hicks took some time out of their punishing schedule to offer some indispensible advice on how to go about selling  your own club:

  • Make Anfield smell of freshly-baked bread and coffee

Not only have these smells have been proven to make people instantly feel at home in a new place, it will also help get rid of that weird ‘Dirk’ smell.

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It is time for an excursion – so grab your valise, finish up your game of cards with the Central Casting Irishmen and let’s jump on an old-timey steamboat so we can chug on over to Futfanatico to read an exotic international guest post.

It’s about some guy who occasionally plays for Liverpool, I think.  It is probably going to be about that guy on the right, though I can’t be sure. What’s his name? Ah, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Much like the flu virus.

::: Alberto Thingamajig not forgotten at Liverpool :::

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Black 'Blacky' Armband : 1850-2010

Premier League clubs will next weekend join forces and don black armbands in memory of Black Armband. In an official statement Premier League ideas man Richard Scudamore said “The loss of Black Armband has been a massive shock to the whole footballing community. After some deliberation, we have decided that the most appropriate gesture in the circumstances would be the wearing of black armbands, or the favoured black tape.  In this way, we can send a message that Black Armband will never be forgotten”.

Tributes have also poured in from current and ex professionals, with ex-Newcastle and England front-man Alan Shearer deeply affected by the loss.  “It was very close to my heart. Literally. My heart is, of course, in my elbows”.

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

The Capello reign of England has been characterised by one theme: discipline. From intense training sessions to WAG and cell phone bans, the Italian has instilled a meritocratic selection regime fueled by the foot soldier’s mentality. Which makes the recent untrue rumour of his prank on Michael Owen all the more shocking.

Owen has been Capello’s bogeyman, his mercurial form for Manchester United eliciting calls for selection and rejection, sometimes in the same day. Yet a telephone call by the Italian a few months ago set in chain a prank crueller than the injury inducing fate of the striker’s blotted career.

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I am not a man who inspires indifference, and I know that people have experienced their first kiss while listening to me. As Fulham prepared to take on Swindon in the 3rd round of the FA Cup and my colleagues Mike Ingham and David Pleat mispronounced the names of half-time snacks (“Dorry-toss“, I ask you?), I turned away. I was busy watching the real action, using my trusty binoculars and observing two young protégés at the unforgiving training ground of the school disco. With all your friends watching on, you absolutely fluffed your chance at your first kiss. “Show us your medals!” eh, sonny? With that display, your trophy cabinet is going to remain bare forEVER.

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John Barnes

Disaster struck Rwanda again today with the heartbreaking news that John Barnes has been heavily linked with the national team post. Following reports that the recently sacked Tranmere manager had been involved in talks with the country’s sports minister Joseph Habineza, the people of the African nation agreed that this was probably the worst tragedy to ever befall the country.

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