The Lampard-Gerrard Reunion Hits the Skids

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For almost two years, English fans trembled in fear and bowed their heads in shame. For over a decade, the glorious tandem of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard had bravely led the Three Lions to countless second rounds. Sadly, it appeared that Don Fabio Capello had forever axed the dynamic duo following World Cup 2010. Brits feared that they may never see the terrific tandem together in action again. Luckily, in one simple announcement, Roy Hodgson has revived the dreams of a nation.

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Confused Kaka Graciously Accepts Lifetime Literary Achievement Award

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

As the year comes to an end, awards circulate. Everybody speculates as to who will win the Ballon d’Or. Some say Messi. Others say Xavi. A few say Ronaldo. However, the most shocking award involves none other than Ricardo Kaka.

A few months ago, the Golden Crown Literary Society invited Kaka to their awards ceremony. Why? Well, an unpaid, overworked, and dyslexic intern investigated a list of potential lifetime award candidates. He was delighted to read that Kaka was still alive, and he failed to notice the missing “f” in his name.

When Kaka received the invitation, written in English, he assumed the “f” was a typographical error. Truth be told, he was too happy to be nominated for an award to really try to read or translate the letter.

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Scooby Doo and Gang Bust Dimitar Berbatov for Playing Professional Soccer

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Dimitar Berbatov playing in consecutive games shocked several United fans, but also raised red flags in other quarters. Where? Well, the DWP, that’s where. Why? It seems that after a brief investigation, the Bulgarian played a pivotal role in a welfare abuse scheme. How?

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Defiant Wenger silences critics and boldly predicts title run

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

If the summer was bad for the Gunners, the start to the season was even worse. No Nasri. No Fabregas. Fine. But the loss to injury of Jack Wilshere was devastating, and Arsenal touched bottom in a humiliating loss to rivals Manchester United. However, after a 2-1 victory over Sunderland catapulted the Gunners into the upper echelon half of the EPL, Wenger puffed his chest and cut into the now submissive press.

One sprightly young journalist inquired about squad depth, and asked Wenger if any January signings were on the horizon. Wenger laughed so hard that he snorted water out of his nose. “January? Signing? Us? Do you know in what club’s press room you are seated? Did you not see who just won the game? We don’t need any more signings. The players we have were good enough to win today, and, dare I say it, have the talent to march to the title.”

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Kaka Blames Lack of Form at Madrid on Jesus Christ

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Any time a major signing doesn’t score a bucket of goals, excuses twirl about like the trade winds of the Pacific. “The league is different,” some say. “The player has a niggling injury,” others cry. “The coach needs to use him better,” fanatics shout. But in the case of Ricardo Kaka’s disappointing form for Real Madrid, the player has bravely pointed the finger at the one person responsible: Jesus Christ.

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Futfanatico: Stevie G and Frank Lampard – England’s New Non-Selection Dilemma

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

For the past decade, two midfielders have owned the centre of the park for the Three Lions: Steven Gerrard of Liverpool and Frank Lampard of Chelsea. For years, fans have watched these two players make the same run, step on one another’s toes, lazily expect the other to tackle, fail to beat up men and pass to the other team. But as the sun sets on their respective careers, fans know ask: can the two of them successfully not botch the job in midfield at the same time?

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Futfanatico: Nigel de Jong – anty football

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Contemporary society demonizes and isolates its sinners. Rehabilitation? Ha. Treatment? Never. Empathy? Only in small doses. And the case of Nigel de Jong is no different. While Nigel has had a few run-ins with the ankles of opposing players, the cascade of harsh proclamation has deafened an important voice in the matter – Nigel himself. Thus, we present a wholly fabricated yet important interview of the man for you to decide – monster or misunderstood?

“Q: Mr de Jong, the mainstream media has vilified you as a monstrous tackler, yet we want readers to see the man behind the studs. In that vein, as a young child, did you dream of being a footballer?

A: Actually, my first memories of my childhood was playing with ants in my family’s backyard. I took a keen interest in how they operated, if they felt pain, and would stare at them for hours under a microscope, carefully plucking their appendages, limb by limb. I couldn’t tell if they hurt because they only shook when I tore off their legs, so I naturally got a gig volunteering at the local Museum of Entomology. Football was far from my mind – I wanted to go to uni and work in a museum!

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Futfanatico: The Ronaldo Alonso Anti-Climax Climax

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

We first broke the news about Ronaldo’s bad behaviour in December, when his lust for breaking goals and boundaries threatened to tear Madrid apart at the seams. Then, in February, we followed up on the story as the Alonso-CR9 penalty dispute shed light on the locker room frustrations among the merengues. And now, with Madrid winning a record number of games but still behind Barcelona, we report on the Pellegrini reports. You see, the Chilean’s job is in jeopardy. Manuel finds himself on the hot seat not for his team’s tactics on the pitch, but its antics off it.

In February, when Barcelona looked unbeatable and Madrid faced a mountain to climb, the Chilean looked across the pond (Ed.- it’s a big pond) for inspiration. He saw how the John Terry scandal had united both Manchester City and Chelsea. He realized that only a similar style of adversity could unite his group. And he knew just the slick haired gentleman to play the part of cuckold-doodle-doo.

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Guestpost for Futfanatico – Asking the age-old question: Who are you? Indeed, who ARE you?

It is time for an excursion – so grab your valise, finish up your game of cards with the Central Casting Irishmen and let’s jump on an old-timey steamboat so we can chug on over to Futfanatico to read an exotic international guest post.

It’s about some guy who occasionally plays for Liverpool, I think.  It is probably going to be about that guy on the right, though I can’t be sure. What’s his name? Ah, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Much like the flu virus.

::: Alberto Thingamajig not forgotten at Liverpool :::

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Futfanatico: The Disputed Womb and Cristiano’s Penalty

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Just when you thought that two professionals working for the same organisation could put a personal dispute behind them, just when you start to believe the company comes first, drama behind closed doors manifests itself in the office. Many of you saw the Xabi Alonso-Cristiano Ronaldo penalty dispute. But only a few connected the dots.

A few months ago, we reported erroneously that Cristiano Ronaldo steadfastly insisted on holding all of Madrid’s records. This included impregnation of wives….including Xabi Alonso’s wife. Since the article’s publication, our lying sources indicate the situation has rapidly spiraled out of control. And all because of the cunning Cristiano Ronaldo.

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