The Lampard-Gerrard Reunion Hits the Skids

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For almost two years, English fans trembled in fear and bowed their heads in shame. For over a decade, the glorious tandem of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard had bravely led the Three Lions to countless second rounds. Sadly, it appeared that Don Fabio Capello had forever axed the dynamic duo following World Cup 2010. Brits feared that they may never see the terrific tandem together in action again. Luckily, in one simple announcement, Roy Hodgson has revived the dreams of a nation.

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Futfanatico: English Press and Fans Rejoice at Expectation-shattering Group Stage Elimination

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Save your St. Crispin’s Day speech for another tournament. Rather than roll into the semifinals of the U21 Championships, Stuart Pearce’s side won the hearts, admiration, and plaudits of its home nation for a scintillating run all the way to the end of the group stage. While some naysayers may turn their nose at the Three Lions, the majority of fans have showered them with praise and adoration. Nobody can deny their bravery in playing three full games in the space of a few weeks.

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Futfanatico: Stevie G and Frank Lampard – England’s New Non-Selection Dilemma

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

For the past decade, two midfielders have owned the centre of the park for the Three Lions: Steven Gerrard of Liverpool and Frank Lampard of Chelsea. For years, fans have watched these two players make the same run, step on one another’s toes, lazily expect the other to tackle, fail to beat up men and pass to the other team. But as the sun sets on their respective careers, fans know ask: can the two of them successfully not botch the job in midfield at the same time?

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“Perhaps a bribe will help you forget about the bribes” purrs Russian World Cup bid chief

Following fresh accusations of vote-buying, the Russia 2018 World Cup bid team has sought to reassure FIFA with a clear, open and transparent bribe.

Speaking at a press conference in the bid headquarters of an abandoned steel mill, bid chief Alexei Sorokin expressed his disappointment at the fact these accusations were mentioned without using any of the code words. “Hosting the World Cup in Russia would be a monumental occasion and we would not dream of doing anything to damage that”, urged the bid chief. “Of course, we also wouldn’t dream of doing anything to your kneecaps, or that soft, soft face”.

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Liverpool deny Joe Cole was only signed for ‘unlocking’ ability

Just days after unveiling new signing Joe Cole, Liverpool have been forced to address rumours that the ex-Chelsea star had been signed purely on account of his fabled ‘unlocking’ abilities.

Cole is said to be looking to make an immediate impact by breaking into the team. Specifically, unlocking his team-mates’ reinforced mansion gates while they are out on European away trips, when he is likely to be sidelined with “a ‘niggling injury’, nahworramean?”. He has already demonstrated his eye for an opportunity by stealing Andriy Voronin’s iconic number 10 shirt from fellow new signing Milan Jovanovic, who was sure he left it just there.

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Robbie Earle insists that “those 36 Dutch girls were family”

Sacked ITV pundit Robbie Earle continued to fight the allegations of his World Cup ticket misappropriation, today insisting that the 36 mini-skirted Dutch fans were just his sisters.

“I am shocked and appalled by these claims against me and my beloved sisters”, confessed Earle, “as is our mother Wilhelmina”. The ex-Wimbledon striker revealed that contrary to the popular belief that he was brough up in Weston Coyney, he had in fact secretly been raised in a little flat in tough Amsterdam neighborhood, the Bijlmermeer. “It wasn’t easy for moeder, putting food on the table for the 37 of us kids. Not just the expense, but it was a logistical nightmare finding a table of that size. And don’t get me started on the queue for the bathroom in the morning! We had a ticketing machine”.

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Futfanatico: Capello Prank Call Causes England Uprising

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

The Capello reign of England has been characterised by one theme: discipline. From intense training sessions to WAG and cell phone bans, the Italian has instilled a meritocratic selection regime fueled by the foot soldier’s mentality. Which makes the recent untrue rumour of his prank on Michael Owen all the more shocking.

Owen has been Capello’s bogeyman, his mercurial form for Manchester United eliciting calls for selection and rejection, sometimes in the same day. Yet a telephone call by the Italian a few months ago set in chain a prank crueller than the injury inducing fate of the striker’s blotted career.

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Michael Owen cheers himself up by watching the Argentina goal six times

With Jermain Defoe’s astonishing five goal haul almost certainly confirming his place in the England squad for South Africa*, spare a thought for Michael Owen. The ex-England striker is believed to have spent a blurred Sunday night re-watching his 1998 goal against Argentina, six times. Which is a whole one more than five.

The video showcase began sometime around 4.46pm on Sunday as Defoe drilled in his fifth goal. Owen’s neighbours reported hearing an exasperated Martin Tyler, seemingly hired for the day, forced to provide live commentary each time that the striker rewound the clip. Though some ear witnesses swore that they heard “noticeable wails” from Owen whenever Tyler said the words “this 18-year-old has electrified the world”.

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Darren Bent: “Its not every day you get to play rubbish against Brazil”

Sunderland striker Darren Bent has spoken of his delight at representing England rubbishly against Brazil at an FA press conference this morning. FistedAway listened in:

I’ve dreamed of playing rubbish against Brazil since I was a small boy. Imagine then my delight when Fabio gave me the call to say “Darren, get yourself over to Qatar, I need you to play rubbish in a friendly“. It was like all my Christmasses had come at once, but this time my parents had actually bothered to get me a present.

Basically, I’m just pleased to be getting another shout. I thought that I wouldn’t get another chance to play rubbish for England, that 2006 would forever be the pinnacle of my rubbish international career. I only hope that Mr Capello gives me the chance to play rubbish at a World Cup. That is my rubbish dream”.

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“[INSERT PLAYER NAME] for England” says [INSERT PLAYER NAME]

Following his perfectly acceptable performance against [insert team], there has been talk of [insert player name] playing his way into the England squad for next year’s World Cup in South Africa.

Speaking after the match, with the potent combination of sweat and adrenaline still coursing through his cerebral cortex [insert player name] said “If I can keep up this run, then who knows? It’s not up to me to decide. That would involve a radical restructuring of the England setup. I just hope that Mr Capello was watching”.  Although the England manager was at the game, it is believed that he left too early to see [insert player name]‘s late contribution to the game, which included a speculative shot from 4 yards out which narrowly grazed a steward.

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