Walcott, Sturridge form new club so they can argue over who plays down the middle

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At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.

The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.

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The Lampard-Gerrard Reunion Hits the Skids

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For almost two years, English fans trembled in fear and bowed their heads in shame. For over a decade, the glorious tandem of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard had bravely led the Three Lions to countless second rounds. Sadly, it appeared that Don Fabio Capello had forever axed the dynamic duo following World Cup 2010. Brits feared that they may never see the terrific tandem together in action again. Luckily, in one simple announcement, Roy Hodgson has revived the dreams of a nation.

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Ashley Jung’s Goal Celebrationalysis: Robbie Keane

FistedAway are pleased to welcome back the influential thinker and the founder of analytical psychology, Ashley Jung. Ashley previously psychoanalysed the goal celebration of Chelsea striker Nicolas Anelka in an attempt to help us understand the deep rooted psychological reasoning behind it. Refreshed by a move to Manchester United, Ashley has decided to focus on new LA Galaxy signing Robbie Keane:

Upon completing a score Mr Keane will canter towards the nearest corner flag, executing a half cartwheel, half forward roll before playfully spraying fans with a hailstorm of imaginary bullets. Is Mr Keane suggesting, as I did, that:

“Nobody, as long as he moves about among
the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble”

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Futfanatico: Stevie G and Frank Lampard – England’s New Non-Selection Dilemma

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

For the past decade, two midfielders have owned the centre of the park for the Three Lions: Steven Gerrard of Liverpool and Frank Lampard of Chelsea. For years, fans have watched these two players make the same run, step on one another’s toes, lazily expect the other to tackle, fail to beat up men and pass to the other team. But as the sun sets on their respective careers, fans know ask: can the two of them successfully not botch the job in midfield at the same time?

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Futfanatico: The Merengue Pie World of Mourinho

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

A year ago, Fistedaway dug up enough dirt to bury the Gaza pyramids. We speak, of course, about Cristiano Ronaldo’s soiled Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed – he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso’s wife. Manuel Pellegrini, feeling the heat and desperate for a unifying team moment akin to Chelsea’s Terrygate, attempted to fuel the flames of this love triangle. Yet our lying sources never confirmed the consummate act. Until now.

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Liverpool deny Joe Cole was only signed for ‘unlocking’ ability

Just days after unveiling new signing Joe Cole, Liverpool have been forced to address rumours that the ex-Chelsea star had been signed purely on account of his fabled ‘unlocking’ abilities.

Cole is said to be looking to make an immediate impact by breaking into the team. Specifically, unlocking his team-mates’ reinforced mansion gates while they are out on European away trips, when he is likely to be sidelined with “a ‘niggling injury’, nahworramean?”. He has already demonstrated his eye for an opportunity by stealing Andriy Voronin’s iconic number 10 shirt from fellow new signing Milan Jovanovic, who was sure he left it just there.

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Futfanatico: The Ronaldo Alonso Anti-Climax Climax

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

We first broke the news about Ronaldo’s bad behaviour in December, when his lust for breaking goals and boundaries threatened to tear Madrid apart at the seams. Then, in February, we followed up on the story as the Alonso-CR9 penalty dispute shed light on the locker room frustrations among the merengues. And now, with Madrid winning a record number of games but still behind Barcelona, we report on the Pellegrini reports. You see, the Chilean’s job is in jeopardy. Manuel finds himself on the hot seat not for his team’s tactics on the pitch, but its antics off it.

In February, when Barcelona looked unbeatable and Madrid faced a mountain to climb, the Chilean looked across the pond (Ed.- it’s a big pond) for inspiration. He saw how the John Terry scandal had united both Manchester City and Chelsea. He realized that only a similar style of adversity could unite his group. And he knew just the slick haired gentleman to play the part of cuckold-doodle-doo.

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New kit made from 99% Chelsea, 1% Fisted Away

Chelsea 10/11 Adidas Home Kit

The launch will be supported by an advertising campaign ‘Made from 100% Chelsea’ developed by pop artist and Chelsea fan Sir Peter Blake.

Blake, who most famously designed the artwork for the Beatles album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and Oasis’ greatest hits album Stop the Clocks, has created a variety of montages depicting Chelsea’s history and heritage.

With our usual journalistic integrity and commitment to the truth when it comes to Chelsea, Fisted Away would like to put forward a more…realistic view.

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Drugs tests positive for traces of Adrian Mutu

The world of Drugs was rocked yesterday by reports that traces of Adrian Mutu had been found in a random test. Though Drugs has denied the charge, this is believed to be the second time that it has tested positive for the Fiorentina striker.

It is the latest crisis to hit Drugs, in a long and troubled career. After getting over several difficult periods in the pharmaceutical’s hedonistic youth, it was believed that the unruly stimulant had calmed down in recent years. But in the wake of the ruling, reports have since emerged that Drugs had fallen in with a bad crowd: football supporters, football reporters, football agents and worst of all, footballers themselves.

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Mocking Frank Lampard – internationally

Head on over to Futfanatico to read our guest post on the latest developments in and on Frank Lampard’s heart. It’s about love, it’s about life – it’s about badge-kissing.

Frank Lampard finally gets to third base with badge

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