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Posts Tagged ‘alan shearer’

A BBC insider has revealed the lengths the corporation has gone to entrap the Match of the Day team- into uttering something so heinous that they have an excuse to sack them immediately.

The Match of the Day team are known to have long-term contracts with a variety of cast-iron clauses preventing them from being moved on for otherwise career-ending misdemeanours, including traffic offences, affairs, comparing a tackle to rape or not knowing anything about Hatem Ben Arfa.

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'Eee 'Balls to you', Gareh!

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Michael,
who has an ace surname and runs the splendid Regista :::
Euro-time is almost upon us. And yet, most of our attention is wrongly focused on the national teams competing at the finals, when we should be weighing up the merits of the real heroes – the broadcasters. Let’s see how the two heavyweights line up.
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MOTD pundits

Television bosses are considering a root and branch redevelopment of British punditry, amid claims that imported stars, such as Clarence Seedorf and David Ginola, are harming the prospects of young English pundits.

The move comes in the aftermath of the Match of the Day team’s poor showing at the World Cup. This dip in form has continued worryingly into the new season, with no sign of abating. The question of why the team performed so poorly has split experts and journalists.

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Black 'Blacky' Armband : 1850-2010

Premier League clubs will next weekend join forces and don black armbands in memory of Black Armband. In an official statement Premier League ideas man Richard Scudamore said “The loss of Black Armband has been a massive shock to the whole footballing community. After some deliberation, we have decided that the most appropriate gesture in the circumstances would be the wearing of black armbands, or the favoured black tape.  In this way, we can send a message that Black Armband will never be forgotten”.

Tributes have also poured in from current and ex professionals, with ex-Newcastle and England front-man Alan Shearer deeply affected by the loss.  “It was very close to my heart. Literally. My heart is, of course, in my elbows”.

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Following painstaking research from the nation’s leading football pundits, and Robbo Robson, it has been discovered that many Arsenal players – amazingly - do not take kindly to being maimed every other year.

As well as not relishing the time-honoured British traditions of seeing their stricken teammates’ limbs hanging off by a spindly thread and receiving oxygen as they leave the pitch,  it has also been rumoured that Arsenal are also believed to be, shockingly, mainly foreign (ed-I know! Who knew?). A close analysis of birthplaces reveals that some of the players are from distinctly non-English sounding places like ‘Caerphilly’ and ‘Plaistow’, which no-one can pronounce.

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shearerpres

The excitement was palpable around television centre this morning, as excited BBC fans  welcomed back legendary pundit Alan Shearer in advance of this afternoon’s televised game between West Bromwich Albion vs Newcastle United. In advance of his triumphant return to sitting on a sofa, FistedAway spoke to the fans in a not-at-all ghoulish, exploiting-the-mentally-ill fashion.

“We’re over the moon, I can’t believe it. He knows that sofa inside out.” enthused one fan, adding “If you cut Alan, he bleeds the licence fee”.

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"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

"Oh! The Huge-Manatee!"

Like the resplendent Alan above*, I have been taking a break from the WASKAF posts. I’d love to pretend that this was because my Saturday nights have all been spent larging it in Faces with second-string England players, but in reality it has been post-traumatic stress. After about four WASKAFs, I realised that  I could just post the same thing each week. Given that it is called “What Alan Shearer Knows About Football’, the temptation to put up a blank post was huge. Perhaps, I could just steal the idea from Pitchfork’s famous review of Jet’s second album?

I am in awe of the sacrifices made by people who have to be with him every week; paying attention, looking interested, minimising all sighs. For this, my heart goes out to the entire Match of the Day staff, all his former teammates, and the Shearer family. This is for you.

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"Millwall were just letting them know they were there, Alan"

"Millwall were just letting them know they were there, Gary"

Saturday’s Hull vs Milwall cup-tie left over 50 seats in the KC Stadium in ruins. Many hundreds more were scuffed, leading to local hardware stores being overwhelmed. Yet the Match of the Day team have controversially refused to transmit the Disasters Emergency Committee Hull Crisis Appeal, reports Nigel Spickanspan

Speaking at a press conference, Gary Lineker said “We are passionate about defending Match of the Day’s impartiality. We worry that such an emotive and political story would compromise our commitment to kneejerk punditry, mawkish backslapping and the commodifying of football as light entertainment. We worry about being seen to endorse something which could give people the impression that we were backing one side. When in reality, even if we did show it we would much rather stick something like this right at the end of the show when most people have turned off in frustration at our tiresome ‘banter’ “.

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Back from international week, Alan was refreshed, restored, and radiating the matchless confidence of a man who knows he will never lose his cushy job of sitting legs akimbo on an angular sofa and talking for up to 4 minutes at a time.

It’s very easy to mock the intelligence of footballers- some would say it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, but in Shearer’s case the fish have left the barrel, gone to the spare room above the garage, written suicide notes, gulped down a warming mug of heroin and calmly placed shotguns into their fish mouthes. Exhibit A: his opening salvo after the Liverpool vs Wigan game: “Some top players on show from both sides- and I include Wigan in that“.

Sigh. Go on, sigh again.

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"WHY?"

A troublesome showing from wor Alan this week. After a stellar season debut last week, he now seems distant, petulant and uncomfortable; it was like watching a man who was completely unsuited to media work, rather than the man who we know and love who is triumphantly unaware that he is completely unsuited to media work.

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