::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Mark Patterson :::

Ireland striker Robbie Keane intends to fulfil the last major ambition of his career by making a January switch to a club for which he feels absolutely nothing.

Keane, 31, has played for nine different clubs since he left Crumlin United as a bright-eyed youngster for the bright lights and orange shirts of Wolves, but told Fisted Away that he had set his heart on a new challenge.

“I’d love to just turn out for a club where I basically didn’t care either way,” Keane said.

“I would be happy even just sitting on the bench for a bit; it would be less pressure than knowing that if I don’t score the winner, my 10-year-old self will cry himself to sleep at night.”

Keane rubbished the notion that he only said he supported his new teams to win favour from fans.

“I know I’ve had a lot of stick for signing for several of my boyhood clubs,” Keane said, “but I’ve just been very fortunate that the moves have come up at the right times – especially in recent times every January and most summers.”

“Every young lad has their one dream club. I just dreamt a little bigger.”

Keane’s father, Robert senior, claimed that the youngster’s support for all clubs started off as harmless, before quickly spiralling into something more worrying.

“He was simultaneously elated by his favourite team’s every victory, and devastated for his beloved losers at the same time. He never learned to feel the apathy that a goalless draw between Chesterfield and Torquay should inspire.

“His first football coach used to call him Schrödinger because with every act on the pitch it seemed he was, inside, simultaneously alive and dead.”

Robert Keane also revealed that the family began to experience financial difficulties as a result of buying all the replica shirts that the young Robbie required. “It became hard for us to put food on the table, given that it was covered in shirts”.

A list of clubs is being researched and drawn up as possible January destinations for Keane. An early proposal of creating a new club to facilitate Keane’s dream was dismissed as unworkable when Keane said he had “dreamed as a boy of playing for his own club.”

Keane’s spokespeople remain tight-lipped, but the shortlist is said to include Colo-Colo (Robbie’s dislike at things with the same name began when he first arrived for Ireland duty only to find another R Keane on the books), Swaziland outfit Eleven Men in Flight, any team in the Belgian Third Division and Aston Villa.

::: Follow Mark on Twitter :::

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

As the year comes to an end, awards circulate. Everybody speculates as to who will win the Ballon d’Or. Some say Messi. Others say Xavi. A few say Ronaldo. However, the most shocking award involves none other than Ricardo Kaka.

A few months ago, the Golden Crown Literary Society invited Kaka to their awards ceremony. Why? Well, an unpaid, overworked, and dyslexic intern investigated a list of potential lifetime award candidates. He was delighted to read that Kaka was still alive, and he failed to notice the missing “f” in his name.

When Kaka received the invitation, written in English, he assumed the “f” was a typographical error. Truth be told, he was too happy to be nominated for an award to really try to read or translate the letter.

The awards ceremony was awkward. The Board of Directors suspected something was amiss, but tried to save face by asking legitimate questions. Kaka replied with aplomb and plenty of good nature, albeit confusedly so.

When queried on the message of “The Metamorphosis”, Kaka assumed they referred to his recovery from injury and in his butchered English said “You become the monster with your hard work, but then you become more than the hard work.”

When asked about the true ending to “The Castle,” Kaka blushed and assumed they referred to his extravagant marriage to his wife in a real life castle. He stated “Some were jealous and found it to be too big and depressing, but they forget the everyday is beginning something new. The castle was our heart. And our heart the castle.”

Literary critics took dutiful notes. An actual football fan was in attendance, though, and recognized the Brazilian star. During the audience Q & A, he asked him “Do you think you may stay fit and score a goal this season?” Kaka immediately grew irate. He quipped back “Who is this, The Joker? I stand by my body and prior works. It is only for Madrid to pass The Judgment.”

Elliott blogs about soccer at Futfanatico.com.
His eBook, An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish,
is available for only £3.82 at Amazon.co.uk

FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.

The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:

• shadowplay,
• miming that he ‘got the ball’ in a tackle
• and Kenny Dalglish’s imaginary tactical discussions.

Meanwhile, a reportedly furious Liverpool are said to be launching an immediate appeal. An imaginary Liverpool insider has revealed that the club’s response is “set to touch on greater imaginary slights than even the Luis Suárez case”.

In response, the FA have stressed that the evidence will be imagined by English football’s masters of imagineering – the Pools Panel – in a bid to allay Kenny Dalglish’s imagined fears of an imaginary anti-Liverpool bias.

An ex-player who was available for comment, probably Mark Lawrenson or Alan Hansen one would imagine, cited it as what he imagines to be another example of how he imagines the game has changed since his day. “Imagine if we went around imagining things in my day, dear oh dear. We’d have been subbed off for an imaginary early bath I would imagine.”

In other news…

• Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney is set to receive another two game ban for swearing at a school-age Howard Webb in the 2010 World Cup Final referee’s  feverish recurring dreams.

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Dimitar Berbatov playing in consecutive games shocked several United fans, but also raised red flags in other quarters. Where? Well, the DWP, that’s where. Why? It seems that after a brief investigation, the Bulgarian played a pivotal role in a welfare abuse scheme. How?

The stuttering global economy and European debt crisis have made us all misers. Recent cuts to social services have forced families to make due with a lower dole. Also, governments have subcontracted vital services, entrusting for-profit entities to better serve the public good. Thus, it made sense that the retired cast of Scooby Doo would jump at the chance to staff the Manchester DWP office. However, it made little sense when a tall, athletic, and handsome foreigner came in one day to request a pension.

While the man charmed Daphne in person, Velma reviewed his application. He did properly list his mansion and automobiles, which struck her as odd. But, sure enough, he had checked under oath that he was not gainfully employed. He even had recently sought employment abroad, coming close to landing a job in France. The application and rejection letter were included, along with a letter from his agent. Still, after consulting with Fred, the gang decided to sent Shaggy and Scooby to snoop around the man’s former employer, Manchester United, to make sure he wasn’t doing the odd job for cash under the table.

After Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio’s recent proclamation that he wanted “a team of 100 Paolo Di Canios“, experts in cloning and eugenics have been brought into the fold at the Wiltshire club to try to make his dream a reality.

Interim Chairman Jeremy Wray is believed to have personally ordered the groundsmen from their shed, and set about creating a temporary science laboratory there instead. Wray is hopeful that if the team of boffins goes without “food, drink, light and sleep” they could reach their goal of 100 fully functioning Di Canios by Christmas, allowing the team to push on in the hunt for promotion from League 2 and cunningly bypass the January transfer window.

FistedAway understands that early results have so far been mixed. A group of specially mutated flying Di Canios unfortunately failed to perform as expected, their tiny wings unable to keep them aloft as they tumbled from the top of the Don Rodgers stand, yet the research continues.

Many more Di Canios have inexplicably expressed their admiration for the writings of Karl Marx, and obviously had to be executed immediately.

The Swindon Advertiser has received reports from worried locals about the pile of broken Di Canios that has appeared round the back of the ground,  just behind the rotting carcass of Willie Carson’s booster seat.

But in recent weeks several breakthroughs have been made in the labs, with most Di Canios able to to survive for several days. A group of prototypes also unwittingly completed the Swindon half marathon, passing an important stamina test.

However, some club insiders have questioned the move, stating that having a defence composed of right-leaning Italian front men may not bring about the improvement in defensive form required to sustain a title challenge. Others have have described the investment as wasteful, creating 100 Di Canios when only a 25 man squad can be registered.

Fans have been left puzzled as well, with supporters club spokesman Ray Bradbury questioning the logic behind the scheme. Though he does not take issue with the production of duplicate Di Canio’s, he is concerned that the club has sought to to handle it in-house, rather than contracting a specialist company such as Marionettes Incorporated.

Concerns have also been raised by the kit man, worried about how to distinguish one Di Canio from the other on the field of play, though it should help spread the inevitable bookings.

The Swindon Chairman cheerfully denied that this was the wrong direction to take the club in, though he did concede that this was make or break for the feisty Italian and his brand new army of replicants.  Wray added “I often get woken up late at night by a nightmare in which I have to choose which Di Canio to shoot… I haven’t got it right yet.”

A lone firefighter emerges from the smoke of a bathroom in Mottram St Andrew, Chesire.

Crushing spent fireworks underfoot, he holds in his right hand a crumpled and singed scrap of paper.

Fisted Away has been given exclusive access to this fragile yet terrifying parchment.

We present: Mario Balotelli’s Manchester City Christmas Party-planning brainstorm.

]]> http://fistedaway.wordpress.com/2011/10/25/manchester-fire-brigade-finds-charred-remains-of-mario-balotellis-manchester-city-christmas-party-planning-brainstorm/feed/ 0 NickDunmore Balotellis-house Mario Balotelli's party planning brainstorm http://fistedaway.wordpress.com/2011/10/19/defiant-wenger-silences-critics-and-boldly-predicts-title-run/ http://fistedaway.wordpress.com/2011/10/19/defiant-wenger-silences-critics-and-boldly-predicts-title-run/#comments Wed, 19 Oct 2011 13:48:14 +0000 futfanatico http://fistedaway.wordpress.com/?p=2787 ]]>

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

If the summer was bad for the Gunners, the start to the season was even worse. No Nasri. No Fabregas. Fine. But the loss to injury of Jack Wilshere was devastating, and Arsenal touched bottom in a humiliating loss to rivals Manchester United. However, after a 2-1 victory over Sunderland catapulted the Gunners into the upper echelon half of the EPL, Wenger puffed his chest and cut into the now submissive press.

One sprightly young journalist inquired about squad depth, and asked Wenger if any January signings were on the horizon. Wenger laughed so hard that he snorted water out of his nose. “January? Signing? Us? Do you know in what club’s press room you are seated? Did you not see who just won the game? We don’t need any more signings. The players we have were good enough to win today, and, dare I say it, have the talent to march to the title.”

A braver soccer-scribe pressed the matter, questioning Wenger about Arsenal’s Plan B if Robin Van Persie got injured. Wenger threw down his water bottle in disgust and berated the journalist for well over five minutes. “Van Persie, injured? What on Earth has ever given you the impression that may happen? The average player gets injured 3 times in his career. Robin has already exceeded that total and thus has no more injuries left. Can you count?”

Still, though, Wenger’s ears did perk up near the end. A journalist floated the rumor that Manchester City would lodge an audacious bid for Van Persie in the coming months. Arsene’s eyes glimmered, but he coyly stated: “Robin Van Persie is as valuab…err important to this club as Samir N…err Cesc Fab….errr he’s not for sale. But….did your source mention how much they’d bid?”

Elliott blogs about soccer at Futfanatico.com.

His soccer eBook, ‘An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish‘,
is available on the Amazon Kindle for only $5.99:
Check out a free preview here.

It’s been a while since I have come across something so hideous – downright hideous – that I might comment, “That’s a deeeownright hiiiiideous decision, Mr. Clattenburg!”.

But, with the Autumn leaves slowly turning from green to brown, like my children taking their mother’s surname instead of mine, I picked up a copy of The Beach Boys 11th studio album, Pet Sounds, which made me wonder way on earth I bother getting up in the mornings.

The first half started well enough with a well-executed move of two seconds silence but this proved to be the highlight of an otherwise taaaawdry . Wouldn’t It Be Nice exposed Brian Wilson’s idealist and romantic musical leadership. To him I say

“Wouldn’t it be nice, Mr Wilson,
If you told the truth to your listener, like I do?
And wouldn’t it be nice if we could wake up
Without wondering why the pillow is wet with tears?”

Admittedly it doesn’t scan as well as his version, but you catch my drift.

After that? Well, there weren’t even any hits! While some of you may labour under the idea that Let’s Go Away for Awhile is the most perfect instrumental of all time, I would suggest that Mr Wilson go away for awhile and write some lyrics!

The first half ends promisingly with a story about a boat the Sloop John B, but ends the first verse by getting in a bout of fisticuffs alongside his Dad. Just petulant song writing! Grow up Beach Boys; you’re setting a teeeeearrible example. Handbags, ladies and gentlemen! Let me know if I’m being unreasonable here, but maybe if Murry Wilson had hit Brian a bit harder,  he wouldn’t have written such a frankly silly song!  Ha!

Instead of learning from their mistakes the Beach Boys launch straight into the second half. And it’s the same old story folks! God Only Knows what they talked about in the dressing room. Yet more heartbreaking movements that almost  made me think about treating Mark Saggers a bit better, then it all peters out with another pristine instrumental. I can’t believe people pay for this stuff, I really can’t.

Nevertheless, I might have got this one all wrong folks, I can make a mistake. After all, my wife tells me that it’s good to connect with our feelings, but then I tell her “Caroline! No”.

Carlos Tevez has today announced his attention to spend his recent club suspension refusing to engage in any way with his children, Florencia, 6, and Katie, 2. Manchester City handed down the suspension to the errant striker after he disobeyed manager Roberto Mancini’s orders for him to come on as a substitute, so Tevez has decided to bring his work home with him.

In a change of roles, the Argentinian ace threw the kids’ toys out of the pram after they had the temerity to play with their mother Vanesa before him. Tevez protested that he had already warmed up to play with them earlier, but the introduction of the more protective mother, leaving one child crying and another starting to sniffle, flew Tevez into a rage.

Having previously professed a desire to move back to Argentina to be closer to his kids, Tevez suddenly realised his mistake:

“You know, being away, it’s the little things that you miss. The quiet. The not playing golf. Those two restaurants.

Both of them: not just the Stockport Rd McDonalds, but its drive-thru too. Even Roberto”.

Tevez later denied missing Roberto Mancini, then denied the denial. “Que?”

It is believed that for the period of the suspension, both Florencia and Katie will have their pocket money suspended. Rumours close to the duo suggest that they are keeping an eye on the January transfer window, where they may secure a transfer to another family.

The eldest daughter Florencia, speaking on behalf of Katia, who has not mastered English despite being 2 years old, expressed their frustration with their father.

“He always does this,” Katia sighed. “I wish he’d grow up”.

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Any time a major signing doesn’t score a bucket of goals, excuses twirl about like the trade winds of the Pacific. “The league is different,” some say. “The player has a niggling injury,” others cry. “The coach needs to use him better,” fanatics shout. But in the case of Ricardo Kaka’s disappointing form for Real Madrid, the player has bravely pointed the finger at the one person responsible: Jesus Christ.

As an Evangelical Christian, Jesus plays a large part in both the personal and professional life of Kaka. He and his wife got married in the Church. While at AC Milan, he regularly looked to the sky and thanked God after the blessing of a goal. On a few occasions, he even wore undershirts that praised his Lord & Savior.

But now that the well has gone dry, the big Guy upstairs is not about to escape criticism.Kaka has frustratingly explained time after time to Mourinho that “the meek shall inherit the Earth,” and thus he really doesn’t need to improve his cardio or dietary regime. Kaka has also told Mou that “He Who is Without Sin Shall Cast the First Stone,” and that is why he is always second best to a fifty-fifty ball.

Still, even Kaka has expressed doubts. Every time he doesn’t score, he now allegedly mutters under his breath “Resurrection my ARSE”. And his undershirt is rumoured to have been leased to a corporate sponsor, now reading: “I BELONG TO CHEEZ-WHIZ”, although nobody has seen the shirt for years due to his lack of goalscoring.

Mou has coyly avoided questions about the struggling star. However, when asked point blank if he planned on starting Kaka anytime soon, he blurted: “Jesus Christ, no!”

Elliott blogs about soccer at Futfanatico.com.
His recently published first eBook, ‘An Illustrated Guide to Soccer & Spanish’
is available on the Kindle and the Nook