‘Nobody Ever Says Fuck You’

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Luke, tutting loudly at the
stray piss on football’s toilet seat over at Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed :::

Barry Plapp is someone you’ve probably never heard of, but if you’re a football fan you will likely be familiar with his work. In 2008 he was hired by Brian Clough’s widow Barbara to write fresh anecdotes about the formerly-witty, now-dead football management personality. Plapp has played a key role in rejuvenating interest in Clough by creating fresh stories about the forthright blowhard’s life, sustaining the image of Old Big ‘Ead and preserving the posthumous cottage industry which makes a tidy profit from Clough-centric paraphernalia such as books, mouse mats and green jumpers. He got the job after an appropriately brazen interview.

“I started here just before the release of The Damned United. For the job interview I barged into the room where the Clough family were sitting, and told them all that Michael Sheen was “a twat with a face like me mam’s elbows on wash day”. They hired me on the spot. I told them they were “all fickle and should bloody well be ashamed of themselves”. They hired me again on a different spot.”

But where does Barry get his ideas from? He lives in Derby, whose local economy has famously struggled since the closure of the town’s last remaining ideas factory in 2004, the same year Brian died. So where DOES Barry get his ideas from? I’m dying to know, and am growing impatient.

“I find watching Ken Loach films helps me. That sort of home-spun, kitchen-sink, home-sunk, kitchen-spun wisdom really is the lifeblood of what I’m doing here. It used to be Cloughie’s actual blood of course, until he snuffed his lid. I sometimes ask Barbara if Brian would’ve liked me if he ever met me. She always has the same answer. She says ‘No, and I don’t like you either’. It’s nice of her to make me feel welcome by acting like Brian would if he was still with us.”

But it’s not all fun and games breathing fresh life into a dead man’s legacy. Barry is no stranger to hard work, with a demanding schedule that keeps him on his toes.

“Usually there are peak times when I’m especially busy. The anniversary of his death, whenever a new book, TV show or film about him is being made, or whenever someone at Nottingham Forest does something twatty. My wife and I refer to our new conservatory as ‘The Extenschion That Schteve Built’. It was a very funny remark the first dozen times I said it.”

“The pay is good, and sometimes I’ll be given bonuses for some of the better yarns. I made up the one about Cloughie walking into a dressing room, pointing at his chin and telling someone to punch him if they’ve got the balls. The idea just came to me while I was shaving one day. It was used in a foreword to some book or other, so it went down really well. For that one I was given a bowl of stew. So the perks are good.”

Of course, no job is without a certain amount of difficulty, and Barry has suffered his fair share since becoming part of the team.

“At first they made me wear a uniform – red polo shirt, green jumper – but it just felt dehumanising. It was thought that it would help me channel Cloughie, but it just held me back creatively to be honest. Lots of people thought I looked like Peter Shilton circa 1980, and they would hurl abuse at me on the street. I always thought he had a clean-cut reputation, but let me tell you something about Peter Shilton – that man is hated.”

“Naturally there have been some creative mis-steps too. I once had a meeting with Barbara and Nigel and spent a good fifteen minutes pitching an idea about how Brian had initially found it hard to get work as a manager, and was only given his first job on the proviso that he pretended that the club’s recently-deceased chairman was actually still alive. Barbara seemed quite keen on the idea, until Nigel pointed out that it was the plot to Weekend At Bernie’s. I don’t think I’ll ever live that one down! It was very embarrassing at the time, but we have a bit of banter about it now.”

What does the future hold for Barry Plapp? Allow the man himself to look into his official Derby County Future Holder and tell us…

“Well I love my job here, but naturally I have ambitions for the future. My name is spreading in the world of posthumous reputational mythologising, and I have some good storylines for Brian to keep things ticking over for the next few years. I was asked about a possible sideline coming up with myths and fables for Nigel, to make him seem more interesting, but there was just no future in it. Everybody knows he’s a boring bastard. At the Clough family Christmas party he always brings Boggle along. I’m currently learning to speak Dutch, as I have some excellent material in the pipeline for when Johan Cruyff carks it. That’s my dream job, but we’ll see. It’s good to have ambition though. Like Cloughie.”

And with that, I leave Barry to weave further dreams. He is a visionary with imagination to burn, capable of summoning figments at will, like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn’s dream. He might not be the best writer to make up stories on behalf of a dead man, but he is in the top one.

Following Mario Ballotelli’s departure to AC Milan, his erstwhile Manchester City teammate Gareth Barry has told fans not to pine after the eccentric Italian as he will soon be launching “some of the zaniest sideways passes you’ll ever see”.

Barry added that supporters “won’t know what’s hit ‘em”, though later retracted the statement after becoming worried that people might think he was violent, or was suggesting that they were too stupid to know that they had been hit.

Barry’s new role as club clown began disappointingly last week, with no-one at training noticing that he had dyed his hair a slightly lighter shade of dark brown. Crestfallen, the midfielder has since enlisted the services of local PR agency The Shelves Group.

Though they may not be the biggest name in public relations, Shelves Group Director of Communications John Smithjohn is confident about the rebranding.

“I have the ear of some of the top key players in the local shelving industry: from Didsbury to West Didsbury. I’m confident that if we work hard, we can plan some great spontaneous stuff for Gareth”.

“First up,” Smithjohn tells us “we have been workshopping some hilarious messages for Gareth to display on his t-shirt when he scores his next goal, whether it is a screamer of a tap-in, or a mazy run to the near post at a corner”.

Having enlisted some of the top copywriters in the shelving business, Smithjohn has give a sneak preview of the first t-shirt:

Construction has already begun on a fireproof bathroom for ‘Garrio Barrytelli’ to set off some indoor sparklers in.

“We are expecting it to be ready by mid-November” noted Smithjohn “as that is when the firework season traditionally hits its peak”.

The Shelves Group will be relying on the support of the Barry family to pull off some of the wild stunts they have planned.

“Mrs Barry will be sending Gareth out to get her a new ironing board” revealed Smithjohn “but there’s a surprise in store for her- as he turns up with not just an ironing board, but a new ironing board cover too”.

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Webbie,
who runs the original – and still the best - Football and Music :::

[ESTABLISHING SHOT] Wide view overlooking Soho Square. The camera then slowly pans over to the FA Headquarters and starts to move in towards the front door. As we enter, we see the marbled halls. The camera takes a walk through looking left and right and there are scenes reminiscent of a gentlemen’s club. Fat suits lounging around, all smoking Cuban cigars. Finally we come up to a closed door, it is opened and we walk through to see a meeting taking place. At the head, behind a giant oak desk there are three FA execs, infront of them sits an impossibly exotic Premier League footballer and his representative/interpreter.

[Suit Number 1] “So then Mr Juniorhohio you know why you are called in here today ?”

[Interpreter turns to footballer] (In Spanish – English subtitles) “These fat pigs want to suck your polla.”

[Footballer] (again in Spanish and Eng subs) “This is wasting my time, I could be fucking my beautiful model wife right now.” [Interpreter to the FA suits] “Yes we received your letter in the post.”

[Suit Number 2] “Do you have any comments to make about the incident ?”

[Footballer] “What’s he saying ? Why am I still fucking sitting here ?”

[Interpreter to footballer] “They want to tell you how much they love you and want to put their fingers in your culo.”

[Footballer] “Tell them that they are all ugly coños who should go fuck their grandmothers.”

[Interpreter] “He says: What incident are you referring to ?”

[Suit Number 1] “It was in the match against Melchanster Wanderers, where you gave a Nazi salute to the referee and then stormed off down the tunnel when he didn’t give you a free kick.”

[Interpreter] “These fascist pigs are talking about that glorious game when you scored a hat-trick and deigned to wave to the officianado before you went to the nightclub.”

[Footballer] “Ah yes the coach was sacked then next day because I told the newspapers he picks up prostitutes and he just…he just cries. It was a good day.”

[Interpreter] “He says he can’t remember everything exactly.”

[The FA Suits lean towards each other and a whispered conversation] “Well what the fuck are we supposed to do ? If we put a ban on him it’s going to fuck up our revenues for the Cup semi final. Nobody is going to tune in to watch the rest of those twats. We are not going to sell any advertising and the cunting Americans will not pick up the broadcast without this miserable wanker strutting about the place.”

[Footballer] (Still in Spanish, Eng subs) “What the fuck are they doing ? I have to fly to Milan for lunch with Silvio”

[Interpreter] “How long will this take ? My client has a charity appearance at a hospital.”

[FA Suits look round and then back to each other] “Look I tell you what, we’ll put out a press release that the hearing was postponed while we look at more evidence. We’ll keep putting it off and putting it off until the end of the season. Then when he’s off in the international tournament we’ll put off the fine and suspension to start at the beginning of the next season. This will give him a couple weeks more holiday and we’ll be back in his good books.”

[FA Suit number 3] “Well… we don’t have all the facts (mutters under breath) ‘despite the live match cameras, the ‘mistranslated’ video interview where you told that Spanish journalist that the goalkeeper was sleeping with the defender and the police report after your arrest for drunk driving’ …So we will reschedule this meeting for another date – to be decided.”

[Interpreter to footballers] “The spineless motherfuckers are saying sorry. They say that you are the greatest player they have ever seen.”

[Footballer] “Good. This is the last time I will be here anyway. I’m pissing off to the Mediterranean as soon as the transfer window opens. Half a million a week and a ‘ho bonus’. Go screw yourselves you worthless shits on the shoe.”

[Interpreter] “He says thank you.”

An explanation:

I am on West Ham’s mailing list, having attended a pre-season friendly between West Ham vs Roma in 2007 and never unsubscribed.

These days, the top banner of the Hammers’ emails features Sam Allardyce in a striking pose:

Just look at him. Ripe for the plucking. Why, he could be anything:

• a space rocket!
• a lampshade!
• The Monument to the Third International!

This cut-out is what we are working with:

Get involved

1) Download the source file,
2) Get photoshoppin’,
3) Email or tweet your entries at us

Entries after the jump…

Buckyball

Here’s our first entry, from Buckyball in Portland, Oregon:

“My vision is of Sam’s seductive manager interview presentation, most recently seen by the West Ham board.”

Football and Music

We have had what can only be described as a cavalcade of entries from the original (and still the best) Football and Music:

Get involved

1) Download the source file,
2) Get photoshoppin’,
3) Email or tweet your entries at us

Following a recent run of stilted performances and poor results, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky issued a rallying whisper to his Arsenal teammates today.

Delivering a witheringly quiet rebuke in the direction of his shoes, Rosicky asked if “the rest of the team wouldn’t mind awfully playing a teensy bit better if that isn’t too rude to ask”.

With just a solitary win in their last five games, Rosicky urged a greater collective spirit. “In a difficult time like this, they need to stick together. Not me. Look, I only just got back, it’s my first day and it was like that when I got here. Plus, we were 1-0 up when I went off. Just sayin’ is all”.

Rosicky revealed that a furious Wenger tore into his players in the dressing room following the Champions League loss to Olympiakos, telling the team that it was “time to sit down and be counted” and that they all needed to “take a short, soft look at themselves in a moderately reflective surface”.

When asked whether he thought his team-mates might benefit from receiving the hair-dryer treatment, Rosicky tossed his lovely mane and responded “You think this is natural? Hours of styling work. Literally hours. The other lads should definitely take note”.

“We need to end this constant self-doubt” stuttered Rosicky. “At least I think we do. Or maybe not? Maybe I should check with Thierry?”.

A source close to Henry has revealed that his only piece of advice is: “Pull your socks up…. waaay up over your knees”

“Chicks dig it”.

At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.

The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.

This created a terrible mid-range drone which caused one veteran sports journalist to flee the room with blood streaming from her ears. It was eventually agreed that they would each speak one word of each sentence, alternating ad nauseam.

Theoniel Sturrcott then revealed their intention to leave the Premier League and form a new football club, immediately installing themselves as Owner Director Player Manager Centre Forwards. “We have decided to call this new club ‘Middlesbrough Football Club’: the word middle symbolises our joint desire to play through the middle. Also, we like football and clubs”.

Following a brief interlude where their advisers calmly explained that the name Middlesbrough was taken, and a side discussion about the meaning of symbolism, a new name was swiftly workshopped by the players.

‘AFC Dan and Theo’s Top Secret Brill Club United’ will begin life in the Middlesex County Football League Premier Division. The club badge depicts a speedy striker bearing down on goal then getting the ball stuck under his feet.

Due to the extravagant wages awarded to Thedan Stuwal in their multiple capacities at the club, AFC Dan and Theo’s Top Secret Brill Club United have been forced to bend the League’s rules to make 9 emergency loan signings. When questioned on who they were looking to bring in, Daneo Walridge replied “Wingers mainly, we feel we’re short in that area. Certainly, Theon Ridcott are not suited at all to playing out wide, and will only be deployed centrally, where they belong.”

Having settled on fielding an attacking 0-8-1 formation it was left to a back-room staff made up of their Dads to break it to Dathanial Cottsturr that one of them would be on the bench – though it would be right in the middle of the bench.

A new advert for the Premier League has received a widespread panning for being, in truth, “a terrible advert for the Premier League”. Fans and critics alike have dismissed the advert for being unrealistic, bombastic, and – worst of all – a bit silly.

The advert, which featured a soundtrack somehow combining indie-rock, dubstep and a gravel voiced Scottish man reading an unprecedentedly alliterative poem that may as well have been written by a 12-year-old, was shown for the first time at an all star gala co-hosted by Mark “Clem” Clement and Tim “44″ Lovejoy.

Opinion polls conducted with a supporters group in attendance revealed disappointment at the conspicuous lack of the following:

• overhit and/or miscontrolled passes
• THOSE types of players
• booing racial abuse victims
• berating players who had the temerity to suffer career-threatening injuries against their club.

Parents groups were also outraged at the content of the advert. “There wasn’t a single player bellowing obscenities down the camera at me” said one tearful mother “Who else is going to teach my children about swearing? Their fucking teachers? They’re all too busy striking for the right to date 15-year-olds, as I understand it.”

The poll revealed the worst aspect of all to be the decision to present the advert from the point-of-view of Tony Pulis’ hat, itself a terrible advert for headwear.

Top advertising industry expert Jez Jeremy admitted the advert left him confused. “After all that jumping, punching and screaming, I’m not entirely sure what they are actually selling – if you pushed me, I’d have to guess ‘warrior orgasms’?”

This latest embarrassment for the league follows on from an farcical episode during the 2009-10 season where the Premier League inadvertently became a great advert for the Bundesliga for 3 months.

Thankfully, fans presumed that the German league’s full stadiums, happy fans, tactical variation and exciting play had to be some kind of soap opera, and quickly dismissed it for not being as good as Dream Team.

A BBC insider has revealed the lengths the corporation has gone to entrap the Match of the Day team- into uttering something so heinous that they have an excuse to sack them immediately.

The Match of the Day team are known to have long-term contracts with a variety of cast-iron clauses preventing them from being moved on for otherwise career-ending misdemeanours, including traffic offences, affairs, comparing a tackle to rape or not knowing anything about Hatem Ben Arfa.

This contractual impasse has forced the corporation to think more creatively if they want to move on the creaking Lineker, Hansen, Shearer and Lawrenson. Our insider, who has worked as a cameraman on the Saturday night show since 2006, detailed the BBC bosses’ various attempts to engineer an outburst from the team including:

• A ‘provocative’ dress-code enforced for all runners, production assistants and Lee Dixon.
• Offering Manish Bhasin a bonus if, for the mid-MOTD “toss” to preview The Football League Show, he can alarm the pundits by growing an unnervingly long beard and speaking through a loudhailer.
• Double bonus if he wears a hook on his hand.
• A 20 year plan where players where paid to dramatically feign injury, don alice bands and wear increasingly garish boots – all with the hope of getting Mark Lawrenson to embark on a homophobic rant that lasts an entire half.
• Colin Murray.

Incoming BBC Director General George Entwistle confirmed the existence of ‘Project 19th Hole’ clearly relishes the task facing him. “After ITV got into racism ‘early doors’ and Sky ‘smashed’ sexism, I’m hoping that under my stewardship the BBC can take it to the next level”.

Entwistle has already ordered the technical team to rewire all autocues to replace Gary Lineker’s closing puns with a selection of David Irving material. Meanwhile, catering staff have been ordered to replace all water with vodka, or, in Alan Hansen’s case, white spirit.

Entwistle brings considerable experience: “Having recently masterminded a project which very nearly wiped out the entire light-entertainment presenter division at a stroke, I know that I can finish the job here”.

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For almost two years, English fans trembled in fear and bowed their heads in shame. For over a decade, the glorious tandem of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard had bravely led the Three Lions to countless second rounds. Sadly, it appeared that Don Fabio Capello had forever axed the dynamic duo following World Cup 2010. Brits feared that they may never see the terrific tandem together in action again. Luckily, in one simple announcement, Roy Hodgson has revived the dreams of a nation.

Despite having only being in the driver’s seat for a few months, Hodgson has called upon both Lampard and Gerrard for this year’s Euros. He courageously ignored both players’ ages and league form and instead relied upon their CVs stacked with Round of 18 showings. As they say, form is ephemeral, class is eternal. Additionally, both Frankie and Stevie have monopolized the domestic cup competitions. Brits hold their breath and dare to ask: can Carling and FA silverware translate to a painful second round loss?

Sadly, the optimism crashed into reality almost immediately. An incident occurred on the bus to the team’s first training session. Roy had planned on Gerrard sitting up near the front row- just behind Andy Carroll and maybe Rooney. Frankie was to sit just in front of his Chelsea and real-life teammate England’s Brave and Loyal John Terry and alongside England’s Even Braver and Loyaller Scott Parker. However, to the manager’s chagrin, Stevie and Frank both ignored his seating assignments and vehemently insisted on sitting in the smack middle of the bus. Even worse – they insisted on sitting in the exact same seat.

Without Rio Ferdinand there to intervene with a diplomatic merking, and Terry too busy sharing creepy pictures of teammates’ wives from strange and uncomfortable new angles, the two midfielders tussled before eventually Gerrard sat on top of the Chelsea midfielder – like a big blue beanbag – to the comfort of nobody.

Carroll and Rooney both felt isolated, and Parker eventually complained of overcrowding, before adjusting his fringe and leaving his seat in disgust.

Hodgson was his political, if indecisive self. “Great players can always play together,” the manager proclaimed. England fans can only hope for the best, and by the best, with Frankie nursing a training ground injury, their dreams of a second round exit hang in the balance.

Elliott blogs about soccer at Futfanatico.com.
He is kickstartering for his new eBook, “Real Madrid & Barcelona: the Making of a Rivalry.”
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