Posted in News, tagged AC Milan, Gareth Barry, Manchester City, Mario Balotelli on February 5, 2013 | 2 Comments »
Following Mario Ballotelli’s departure to AC Milan, his erstwhile Manchester City teammate Gareth Barry has told fans not to pine after the eccentric Italian as he will soon be launching “some of the zaniest sideways passes you’ll ever see”.
Barry added that supporters “won’t know what’s hit ‘em”, though later retracted the statement after becoming worried that people might think he was violent, or was suggesting that they were too stupid to know that they had been hit.
Posted in News, tagged Arsenal, Arsene Wenger, Champions League, Olympiakos, Thierry Henry, Tomas Rosicky on December 7, 2012 | 4 Comments »
Following a recent run of stilted performances and poor results, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky issued a rallying whisper to his Arsenal teammates today.
Delivering a witheringly quiet rebuke in the direction of his shoes, Rosicky asked if “the rest of the team wouldn’t mind awfully playing a teensy bit better if that isn’t too rude to ask”.
Posted in News, tagged Arsenal, Chelsea, Daniel Sturridge, Middlesbrough, Premier League, theo walcott on December 5, 2012 | 5 Comments »
At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.
The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.
Posted in News, tagged Mark Clement, Premier League, Tim Lovejoy, Tony Pulis on October 26, 2012 | 1 Comment »
A new advert for the Premier League has received a widespread panning for being, in truth, “a terrible advert for the Premier League”. Fans and critics alike have dismissed the advert for being unrealistic, bombastic, and – worst of all – a bit silly.
The advert, which featured a soundtrack somehow combining indie-rock, dubstep and a gravel voiced Scottish man reading an unprecedentedly alliterative poem that may as well have been written by a 12-year-old, was shown for the first time at an all star gala co-hosted by Mark “Clem” Clement and Tim “44″ Lovejoy.
Posted in News, tagged alan hansen, alan shearer, BBC, Colin Murray, gary lineker, George Entwistle, Lee Dixon, Manish Bhasin, Mark Lawrenson, MOTD on July 17, 2012 | Leave a Comment »
A BBC insider has revealed the lengths the corporation has gone to entrap the Match of the Day team- into uttering something so heinous that they have an excuse to sack them immediately.
The Match of the Day team are known to have long-term contracts with a variety of cast-iron clauses preventing them from being moved on for otherwise career-ending misdemeanours, including traffic offences, affairs, comparing a tackle to rape or not knowing anything about Hatem Ben Arfa.
Posted in News, tagged Howard Wilkinson, League Managers Association, Premier League, Sky Sports on March 30, 2012 | Leave a Comment »
Reports emanating from the locality of the Sky Sports News ticker suggest that the managers of the bottom five Premier League clubs have ordered their players to shoot on sight, in an attempt to ease their goals crisis and avoid relegation.
However, several current squad members and meddling ex-players who are out of work at the moment, have criticised the move and blamed their under pressure Gaffers for sparking a panic-shooting crisis. News has been filtering out of training complexes throughout the day, revealing 2-3 hour long queues in shooting practice, ball rationing and even fisticuffs as tempers flared in the unseasonable warm weather.
With some clubs worried they will run out of goals completely before the end of the week, special measures have been put in place. This has included sessions after training where players can top up on goals, as well as giving them special dispensation to store up to 5 goals at home, just in case.
This advice was latter withdrawn after industry experts warned that keeping goals at home could be dangerous. One unnamed player suffered 40% bruising all over his body after trying to decant some of his goals into the kitchen sink.
Posted in News, tagged Celtic, Johan Mjällby, Kilmarnock, Neil Lennon, Old Firm, Rangers, SPL on March 14, 2012 | 2 Comments »
Celtic manager Neil Lennon has taken the bold move of publicly revealing his tactical plans for the remainder of the 2011-12 season: playing himself, up front, on his own.
With Celtic in contention for both domestic cups, while also enjoying a 21 point lead in the Scottish Premier League, Lennon denies that the timing of his new tactics have anything to do with the current difficulties at Rangers – now reportedly in danger of not completing the season.
Posted in News, tagged Celtic, Daniel Cousin, Gabon, Glasgow, Rangers, SPL on February 16, 2012 | Leave a Comment »
Fisted Away are proud to bring you the first interview with returning Rangers star, Gabonese striker Daniel Cousin. Clearly deeply affected by rejoining the Scottish club, an emotional and fired-up Cousin sat down with reporter Nigel Spickanspan to mainly swear and sigh.
FistedAway: So Daniel, you must be pleased to be back at Ibrox?
Cousin: What the FUCK? My agent is so fired.
Posted in News, tagged alan hansen, FA, FIFA, Howard Webb, Kenny Dalglish, Liverpool, Luis Suarez, Manchester City, Manchester United, Mark Lawrenson, Martin Skrtel, Premier League, Roberto Mancini, Wayne Rooney, Yaya Toure on January 4, 2012 | 1 Comment »
FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.
The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:
Posted in News, tagged Jeremy Wray, Paolo Di Canio, Swindon Town on October 31, 2011 | 1 Comment »
After Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio’s recent proclamation that he wanted “a team of 100 Paolo Di Canios“, experts in cloning and eugenics have been brought into the fold at the Wiltshire club to try to make his dream a reality.
Interim Chairman Jeremy Wray is believed to have personally ordered the groundsmen from their shed, and set about creating a temporary science laboratory there instead. Wray is hopeful that if the team of boffins goes without “food, drink, light and sleep” they could reach their goal of 100 fully functioning Di Canios by Christmas, allowing the team to push on in the hunt for promotion from League 2 and cunningly bypass the January transfer window.
