The Afterlife of Brian

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‘Nobody Ever Says Fuck You’

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Luke, tutting loudly at the
stray piss on football’s toilet seat over at Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed :::

Barry Plapp is someone you’ve probably never heard of, but if you’re a football fan you will likely be familiar with his work. In 2008 he was hired by Brian Clough’s widow Barbara to write fresh anecdotes about the formerly-witty, now-dead football management personality. Plapp has played a key role in rejuvenating interest in Clough by creating fresh stories about the forthright blowhard’s life, sustaining the image of Old Big ‘Ead and preserving the posthumous cottage industry which makes a tidy profit from Clough-centric paraphernalia such as books, mouse mats and green jumpers. He got the job after an appropriately brazen interview.

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The Back Stick of It

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Webbie,
who runs the original – and still the best - Football and Music :::

[ESTABLISHING SHOT] Wide view overlooking Soho Square. The camera then slowly pans over to the FA Headquarters and starts to move in towards the front door. As we enter, we see the marbled halls. The camera takes a walk through looking left and right and there are scenes reminiscent of a gentlemen’s club. Fat suits lounging around, all smoking Cuban cigars. Finally we come up to a closed door, it is opened and we walk through to see a meeting taking place. At the head, behind a giant oak desk there are three FA execs, infront of them sits an impossibly exotic Premier League footballer and his representative/interpreter.

[Suit Number 1] “So then Mr Juniorhohio you know why you are called in here today ?”

[Interpreter turns to footballer] (In Spanish – English subtitles) “These fat pigs want to suck your polla.”

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Euro 2012: Battle of the Broadcasters

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Michael,
who has an ace surname and runs the splendid Regista :::

Euro-time is almost upon us. And yet, most of our attention is wrongly focused on the national teams competing at the finals, when we should be weighing up the merits of the real heroes – the broadcasters. Let’s see how the two heavyweights line up.

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The Lampard-Gerrard Reunion Hits the Skids

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For almost two years, English fans trembled in fear and bowed their heads in shame. For over a decade, the glorious tandem of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard had bravely led the Three Lions to countless second rounds. Sadly, it appeared that Don Fabio Capello had forever axed the dynamic duo following World Cup 2010. Brits feared that they may never see the terrific tandem together in action again. Luckily, in one simple announcement, Roy Hodgson has revived the dreams of a nation.

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Rafa Benitez Signs Alberto Aquilani as Guest Columnist for his Blog

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Grantland. The Classical. The FCF. Plenty of wonderful new sites have popped up in the last few years. However, none can match the uncanny and perceptive gaze of former Liverpool coach Rafa Benitez’s own blog. And it’s about to take a familiar, star-stunted turn.

Many fans will remember Rafa for his European Cup winning Liverpool side that famously came back from three goals down against AC Milan in Istanbul. Spanish fans will recall his famous quips about the club owners while at Valencia, stating at a press conference “Pedi un sofa y me trajeron una lampara” [I asked for a sofa and they brought me a lamp].

Rafa’s blogposts have flowed at a steady pace, including such topics as “blending traditions & trends“, “a football club’s structure” and even some thoughts on MLS. His site has good traffic stats and has a decent staff of writers, but Rafa has set his eyes on a pricey blockbuster columnist acquisition: Alberto Aquilani.

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Liverpool Fans Go Ape Dreaming of Historic Cup Double

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

The path from the cusp of destruction to redemption has been a long one for Liverpool FC fans. Bad apple Americans owners. The departure of Rafael Benitez. The exodus of star players like Xabi Alonso. Roy Hodgson. So you can forgive Scousers for getting excited over possibly winning the Carling and FA Cup. However, a few have taken things a bit far.

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Robbie Keane reveals his boyhood dream to play for a club that he didn’t support as a child

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Mark Patterson :::

Ireland striker Robbie Keane intends to fulfil the last major ambition of his career by making a January switch to a club for which he feels absolutely nothing.

Keane, 31, has played for nine different clubs since he left Crumlin United as a bright-eyed youngster for the bright lights and orange shirts of Wolves, but told Fisted Away that he had set his heart on a new challenge.

“I’d love to just turn out for a club where I basically didn’t care either way,” Keane said.

“I would be happy even just sitting on the bench for a bit; it would be less pressure than knowing that if I don’t score the winner, my 10-year-old self will cry himself to sleep at night.”

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Confused Kaka Graciously Accepts Lifetime Literary Achievement Award

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

As the year comes to an end, awards circulate. Everybody speculates as to who will win the Ballon d’Or. Some say Messi. Others say Xavi. A few say Ronaldo. However, the most shocking award involves none other than Ricardo Kaka.

A few months ago, the Golden Crown Literary Society invited Kaka to their awards ceremony. Why? Well, an unpaid, overworked, and dyslexic intern investigated a list of potential lifetime award candidates. He was delighted to read that Kaka was still alive, and he failed to notice the missing “f” in his name.

When Kaka received the invitation, written in English, he assumed the “f” was a typographical error. Truth be told, he was too happy to be nominated for an award to really try to read or translate the letter.

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Scooby Doo and Gang Bust Dimitar Berbatov for Playing Professional Soccer

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Dimitar Berbatov playing in consecutive games shocked several United fans, but also raised red flags in other quarters. Where? Well, the DWP, that’s where. Why? It seems that after a brief investigation, the Bulgarian played a pivotal role in a welfare abuse scheme. How?

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Kaka Blames Lack of Form at Madrid on Jesus Christ

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Any time a major signing doesn’t score a bucket of goals, excuses twirl about like the trade winds of the Pacific. “The league is different,” some say. “The player has a niggling injury,” others cry. “The coach needs to use him better,” fanatics shout. But in the case of Ricardo Kaka’s disappointing form for Real Madrid, the player has bravely pointed the finger at the one person responsible: Jesus Christ.

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