Following Mario Ballotelli’s departure to AC Milan, his erstwhile Manchester City teammate Gareth Barry has told fans not to pine after the eccentric Italian as he will soon be launching “some of the zaniest sideways passes you’ll ever see”.
Barry added that supporters “won’t know what’s hit ‘em”, though later retracted the statement after becoming worried that people might think he was violent, or was suggesting that they were too stupid to know that they had been hit.
Barry’s new role as club clown began disappointingly last week, with no-one at training noticing that he had dyed his hair a slightly lighter shade of dark brown. Crestfallen, the midfielder has since enlisted the services of local PR agency The Shelves Group.
Though they may not be the biggest name in public relations, Shelves Group Director of Communications John Smithjohn is confident about the rebranding.
“I have the ear of some of the top key players in the local shelving industry: from Didsbury to West Didsbury. I’m confident that if we work hard, we can plan some great spontaneous stuff for Gareth”.
“First up,” Smithjohn tells us “we have been workshopping some hilarious messages for Gareth to display on his t-shirt when he scores his next goal, whether it is a screamer of a tap-in, or a mazy run to the near post at a corner”.
Having enlisted some of the top copywriters in the shelving business, Smithjohn has give a sneak preview of the first t-shirt:
Construction has already begun on a fireproof bathroom for ‘Garrio Barrytelli’ to set off some indoor sparklers in.
“We are expecting it to be ready by mid-November” noted Smithjohn “as that is when the firework season traditionally hits its peak”.
The Shelves Group will be relying on the support of the Barry family to pull off some of the wild stunts they have planned.
“Mrs Barry will be sending Gareth out to get her a new ironing board” revealed Smithjohn “but there’s a surprise in store for her- as he turns up with not just an ironing board, but a new ironing board cover too”.
In the Villa dressing room, Barry was known as “trigger”, after the thick only fools and horses character. When he said he was going to be City’s club comedian, everyone laughed at him.
Nobody’s laughing now.
Gareth Barry passing sideways? You *almost* had me! Very good!