Following a recent run of stilted performances and poor results, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky issued a rallying whisper to his Arsenal teammates today.
Delivering a witheringly quiet rebuke in the direction of his shoes, Rosicky asked if “the rest of the team wouldn’t mind awfully playing a teensy bit better if that isn’t too rude to ask”.
With just a solitary win in their last five games, Rosicky urged a greater collective spirit. “In a difficult time like this, they need to stick together. Not me. Look, I only just got back, it’s my first day and it was like that when I got here. Plus, we were 1-0 up when I went off. Just sayin’ is all”.
Rosicky revealed that a furious Wenger tore into his players in the dressing room following the Champions League loss to Olympiakos, telling the team that it was “time to sit down and be counted” and that they all needed to “take a short, soft look at themselves in a moderately reflective surface”.
When asked whether he thought his team-mates might benefit from receiving the hair-dryer treatment, Rosicky tossed his lovely mane and responded “You think this is natural? Hours of styling work. Literally hours. The other lads should definitely take note”.
“We need to end this constant self-doubt” stuttered Rosicky. “At least I think we do. Or maybe not? Maybe I should check with Thierry?”.
A source close to Henry has revealed that his only piece of advice is: “Pull your socks up…. waaay up over your knees”
“Chicks dig it”.