::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::
Any time a major signing doesn’t score a bucket of goals, excuses twirl about like the trade winds of the Pacific. “The league is different,” some say. “The player has a niggling injury,” others cry. “The coach needs to use him better,” fanatics shout. But in the case of Ricardo Kaka’s disappointing form for Real Madrid, the player has bravely pointed the finger at the one person responsible: Jesus Christ.
As an Evangelical Christian, Jesus plays a large part in both the personal and professional life of Kaka. He and his wife got married in the Church. While at AC Milan, he regularly looked to the sky and thanked God after the blessing of a goal. On a few occasions, he even wore undershirts that praised his Lord & Savior.
But now that the well has gone dry, the big Guy upstairs is not about to escape criticism.Kaka has frustratingly explained time after time to Mourinho that “the meek shall inherit the Earth,” and thus he really doesn’t need to improve his cardio or dietary regime. Kaka has also told Mou that “He Who is Without Sin Shall Cast the First Stone,” and that is why he is always second best to a fifty-fifty ball.
Still, even Kaka has expressed doubts. Every time he doesn’t score, he now allegedly mutters under his breath “Resurrection my ARSE”. And his undershirt is rumoured to have been leased to a corporate sponsor, now reading: “I BELONG TO CHEEZ-WHIZ”, although nobody has seen the shirt for years due to his lack of goalscoring.
Mou has coyly avoided questions about the struggling star. However, when asked point blank if he planned on starting Kaka anytime soon, he blurted: “Jesus Christ, no!”