::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::
Any time a major signing doesn’t score a bucket of goals, excuses twirl about like the trade winds of the Pacific. “The league is different,” some say. “The player has a niggling injury,” others cry. “The coach needs to use him better,” fanatics shout. But in the case of Ricardo Kaka’s disappointing form for Real Madrid, the player has bravely pointed the finger at the one person responsible: Jesus Christ.
As an Evangelical Christian, Jesus plays a large part in both the personal and professional life of Kaka. He and his wife got married in the Church. While at AC Milan, he regularly looked to the sky and thanked God after the blessing of a goal. On a few occasions, he even wore undershirts that praised his Lord & Savior.
But now that the well has gone dry, the big Guy upstairs is not about to escape criticism.Kaka has frustratingly explained time after time to Mourinho that “the meek shall inherit the Earth,” and thus he really doesn’t need to improve his cardio or dietary regime. Kaka has also told Mou that “He Who is Without Sin Shall Cast the First Stone,” and that is why he is always second best to a fifty-fifty ball.
Still, even Kaka has expressed doubts. Every time he doesn’t score, he now allegedly mutters under his breath “Resurrection my ARSE”. And his undershirt is rumoured to have been leased to a corporate sponsor, now reading: “I BELONG TO CHEEZ-WHIZ”, although nobody has seen the shirt for years due to his lack of goalscoring.
Mou has coyly avoided questions about the struggling star. However, when asked point blank if he planned on starting Kaka anytime soon, he blurted: “Jesus Christ, no!”
Omg. Not funny at all. Try being respectful & positive next time. I recommend Brooks Peck’s excellent & hilarious satires on the Dirty Tackle website.
Jeni: you are Brooks, and I claim my $5.
Jeni: I appreciate the support, but if you think DT is positive and respectful, please don’t ever read our Ask Kaka bits.
Anyway, I can vouch for Elliott and the Fisted Away guys (who did a guest post for DT back in the olden days) — they are all very funny.
Brooks and Nick -
I appreciate the support. I knew that stepping on Evangelical toes would stir the pot a bit, but the metaphysical question remains: if God controls all aspects of our destiny, then, like, the down moments are also chalked up to the big guy/girl/teolological entity.
And I recommend this site, DT, and Surrealfootball. You can, like, read all of them. And even skip specific articles you don’t like.
I actually thought this was hilarious. I was laughing even as I read the headline. It reminded me of the NFL wide receiver who semi-recently blamed God for his dropping a pass. The CHEEZ-WHIZ line was especially good, particularly because of the underhanded little remark at the end of the sentence.
With such wit I think Nick’s a wasted talent on this blog.
Jeff: As much as I’d like to be described as either ‘wasted’ or a ‘talent’, this was Elliott’s post.
Here, Elliott, you should get your own blog! Or write a book!