The finger-pointing began at the training ground yesterday morning, as after drawing 1-1 against Tottenham in the F.A. Cup, a shocked and disgusted Bolton Wanderers side carried out an inquisition into the series of sixteen passing errors that resulted in the catastrophe of an aesthetically pleasing goal.
Nominal striker Johan Elmander could offer no reason as to why he exchanged passes with Lee Chung-Yong, apparently a complete stranger to the Swede. “I rarely look behind me, as I am mainly looking up at the sky – whether going for a header, or watching one of my shots fly up and away” muttered a shaken Elmander. “I’d never even met a midfielder before today”.
Bolton’s goalscorer Kevin Davies is believed to be the worst affected by the horrific events of Sunday evening. “The ball came at me, not at my usual preferred height of shoulder and head, but travelling along the ground. Honestly, the ground! I had heard of this ‘rolling’ before, but never seen it with my own eyes”.
The nightmare continued when the ball reached the striker. “Well, I tried to turn away from it, but it was coming right and me and just stuck to my foot. I was terrified, and tried to boot it, or failing that, Corluka, away from me. Then I saw the net bulge, and my mouth filled with bile”.
Davies’ torment did not end with the final whistle. “Something funny came over me in the car on the way home. I got in the door, and my wife had prepared a lovely Valentines meal for us, and set up the DVD player with my favourite film, Cannibal Holocaust. It’s usually a laugh riot for me, but today? Not a titter. I put down my bowl of braised shins, switched it off after five minutes, and asked if she had Kieslowski’s Trois couleurs: Bleu.
God knows why I picked something with subtitles, I mean – I never even learned to read”.
Career high Nick. Pow!
This is certainly your most imaginative piece to date, Nick.
I mean, who could dream of a Bolton side ever completing sixteen passes and scoring a goal. Certainly a statistical possibility, but…wait a second. WAIT ONE SECOND….
I know Elliott. I haven’t been this scared since I did the Phil Brown piece:
http://fistedaway.wordpress.com/2009/04/29/phil-brown-progresses-to-speaking-in-fourth-fifth-person/
…Then the week after I saw him interviewed on Football Focus. Because in Phil Brown’s office, the wall behind his desk features – what else? – a massive picture of Phil ‘Phil Brown’ Brown.
Nick – when I think of Phil Brown’s office, I immediately think of the paintings in the drug dealer’s living room from the Royal Tenenbaums.
Please, please tell me I’m not mistaken and there is a Santa Claus. Please, please….
Also, an interview with Phil Brown would seem to involve lots of interior dialogues and very few spoken questions. Were the gaps in thought delightfully solipsistic and sparse?
They don’t get it….they don’t get it… EVERYBODY IS TO BLAME !
What i dont get it
Admittedly, this made a lot more sense when Bolton were absolutely no fun to watch. Consider it a historical document.