John Barnes linked with Rwanda national coaching role: “This is the worst thing to ever happen to Rwanda” say people of Rwanda

Disaster struck Rwanda again today with the heartbreaking news that John Barnes has been heavily linked with the national team post. Following reports that the recently sacked Tranmere manager had been involved in talks with the country’s sports minister Joseph Habineza, the people of the African nation agreed that this was probably the worst tragedy to ever befall the country.

Rwandans dancing prior to receiving the news. There will be no more dancing in Rwanda

Managing to speak between crying jags and primal wails, local farmer Joseph Gasana contacted FistedAway. “We Rwandans are a proud people. We have been wracked by civil war, genocide and extreme poverty. Yet despite being on our knees, we have hauled ourselves up in recent years to stand tall again – just look at the advances we have made in sanitation, provisions for basic health services, while cultivating international markets for agricultural products. And now I hear that John Barnes is going to take over the Amavubi? Well, you wonder what was the point of anything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to drown myself in our new irrigation system”.

Other Rwandans, possibly in shock, somehow managed to take a more positive view. The Amavubi’s star striker Olivier Karekezi vainly attempted to draw strength from an old proverb. “If you give a man a managerial position, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to actually manage, then you feed him for a lifetime. Basically, whatever happens then John is going to eat. Ah. Now I come to think of it, that really won’t go down particularly well here”.

Joseph Habineza. The sick, sadistic bastard.

Rwandan hearts sank further as Barnes’ agent Winston Clarke confirmed the rapidly fading Liverpool legend’s meeting with Habineza. “John has one thing on his agenda – to spur Rwandan football to greater heights,” said Clarke, apparently oblivious to the haunting cacophony of an entire nation sobbing. “He anticipates a positive outcome when Mr Habineza meets Rwanda’s football governing body to decide on the right man for the job.” added Clarke, before he was rudely interrupted by what sounded exactly like 9,998,000 chairs falling to the floor and 9,998,000 slack ropes sharply tautening.