Southgate-gate

Gareth Southgate was this week relieved of his position as manager of Middlesbrough Football Club. The timing of the decision shortly after a home win against Derby surprised many, but reports emanating from the vicinity of Steve Gibson’s mouth suggested that the decision to sack Southgate had in fact been taken as long as two weeks ago, following a poor run of form and results. FistedAway can exclusively reveal the true reason behind Gibson’s delay as it transpires that a Post-it reminding him to “Sack Gareth” had fallen off the chairman’s monitor and had been swept up with the dust around the extension sockets.

The story was backed up by Ricard Hamilton, the manager of the Stockton-on-Tees branch of Staples. “Mr Gibson was in two weeks back. He’s a cheery sort of fellow, and I’ve become quite friendly with him over the years, as he has been such a good customer”. Recently though, Hamilton has revealed that Gibson has had to make some cutbacks. “He used to spend millions here – had a taste for all kinds of fancy Brazilian pens which we had to get imported, from the dinky little wallet pens to big fat-nibbed fountain pens – expensive, but they dry out quickly. When he came in the day before the Derby game, I noticed for the first time that was actually looking in the bargain bin. As I was scanning the items and he was rummaging in his coin purse, I remember noting that he had switched from his usual 3M Post-It Notes, and had instead picked up a bumper pack of Square Sticky Notes.

Gibson ponders whether to go ballpoint or rollerball

Having been accustomed to the top level sticking power Post-its, Hamilton surmises that Gibson would have been unaware of the weakness of Square Sticky Notes which the Staples man admits are “distinctly Championship”. It is believed that Gibson would have scribbled down his note after a board meeting, then, having attached the note to the front of his monitor, the low-tack pressure-sensitive adhesive failed – dislodging itself without his knowledge – and then fluttered down the back of his desk as he slammed his office door that evening.

The newly-pinned Post-it. Kind of defeats the point.

Hamilton is similarly convinced that the delay in announcing the appointment of Gordon Strachan is due to the club having run out of official Middlesborough Football Club headed paper, but this could not be confirmed by the club press office. In an effort clear up the confusion, FistedAway called Mr Gibson at home and got this exclusive response from the Boro head honcho.

“Hi, this is Steve. I’m afraid that I’m not here right now, but If you’d care to leave a message and your number, I will get back to you as soon as I can. Oh, and if this is Gareth, please stop ringing, just let it go”.