Emmanuel Eboué tragically forgets that he is Emmanuel Eboué

Following his agent’s announcement that Emmanuel Eboué will only leave Arsenal for one of the big Italian clubs, the Ivorian’s friends have expressed concern that he has failed to realise that he is actually Emmanuel Eboué reports Nigel Spickanspan.

This is thought to be the worst time that Eboué has forgotten his place in the world since he booked out the  Business Design Centre in Islington for ‘An Evening With Emmanuel Eboué’.  “Ticket sales were poor“, confessed a close friend, “so I had to tell Emmanuel that I had been contacted by the safety manager of the Business Design Centre and, due to popular demand, the venue had to be switched at the last minute. Luckily, this was the same night as the Champions League qualifier against FC Twente, and he assumed that the 60,000 fans had come out just for him and lapped it up“.

"Group hug guys! Guys...?"

A match report from the time confirms the story – writing in The Telegraph described Eboué’s involvement in the match as:

“Fitful and positionally  unsound. Seemed more interested in telling anecdotes to the fourth official. If the ball could talk, it would tell Eboué to pipe down. Hey everyone! Look at my clever analogy!- 3/10“

However, not all writers were as critical, nor as rampantly self-indulgent; in The Times Martin Samuel wrote on the same game:

“A quality performance from England’s finest and slimmest midfielder. 10 out of 10 Lampards.“

"A funny thing happened on the way here, I tells yer..."

Other times that Eboué has been misled as to his true identity include the time that he thought he was a subtle defender like Bacary Sagna and the time that he imagined that he was a tricky winger like Theo Walcott, perhaps.

No. He is Emmanuel Eboué. A utility player for one of the Premier League’s top clubs, and a regular at international level for one of the strongest teams in Africa. That isn’t so bad, is it?