Hull players and fans alike have privately expressed their concern as noted illeist Phil ‘Phil Brown‘ Brown continued his alarming descent into megalomania. The popular demotivational speaker and occasional manager is now habitually referring to himself in the fourth and fifth-person, reports Nigel Spickanspan
Following last Saturday’s loss to Liverpool, Brown conducted the post match press conference alongside ‘Lil’ Phil': a hand-puppet replica of himself, made entirely from black felt and orange rind. When asked whether the club would be taking disciplinary action against Caleb Folan after his rash red card, the devon fudge-coloured manager looked towards Lil’ Phil, rotating his hand so that he could look the puppet directly in his googly eyes. Brown then wiggled his thumb and pinkie fingers to induce wild gesticulations from Lil’ Phil’s flailing fabric arms.
“What’s that Lil Phil?” asked Brown, bending his head down to ‘listen’ to the puppet. Brown undulated his three longest fingers to move the puppet’s head back and forth, simulating feverish conversation. Looking up again to address the journalist, Brown said only “Lil Phil tells Phil Brown that Phil Brown will be dealing with the matter internally.
Eeee! It wasn’t me, it were the cheeky puppet!“, he added.
Brown’s condition worsened today though, as after Hull’s midweek training session Phil Brown made the transition to speaking in the fifth person. Sullivan O’Sullivan from the Hull & East Riding News asked Brown about his tactics for Monday night’s match against Aston Villa, the manager replied: “I heard from this fella who told somebody that Phil Brown will be playing Jimmy Bullard on skates“.
Pressing on, O’Sullivan ruminated on whether Hull’s decline in league position could in any way be mirroring his rapidly deteriorating mental state, a suggestion which Brown angrily countered.
“Phil Brown!” he said, “Phil, Brown Phil Brown; Phil Brown, Phil – Brown – Phil.”