Kieron Dyer: "My fitness hell"

Kieron Dyer, pictured here in happier times convalescing at Faces

Fisted Away EXCLUSIVE: Kieron Dyer has spoken candidly about his recent nightmare of health, and his hopes to make a competitive return to the treatment table as soon as possible, reports Nigel Spickanspan

“These past three weeks have been the longest of my life”, a tearful Dyer confessed. “You get depressed very easily, and getting up each morning has been a real struggle. Sometimes it has still been dark”. The daily rigours of training have come as a shock to Kieron Dyer. “I’m out all day, running about in a bib like a fool- a bloody fool. Then I have to stay back for ‘conditioning’ work. Sometimes I don’t get home until after 3pm. I couldn’t even tell you what is happening in Neighbours any more. Sure I could catch the 5.30pm showing, but that clashes with Cash In The Celebrity Attic.

“Sure, people  might say “So what Kieron? You earn more in a week than most people do in a year“, and those peasants would be right. But I’m not that kind of player – it’s always been about more than just wonderful, delicious cash to me. Its about being able to watch Loose Women as well. Yes, the show too.”

"HIT ME, COME ON HIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

The exasperated midfielder has confessed to trying anything to get injured again, even confronting some of the more ‘combustible’ elements of the West Ham dressing room. “I went looking for Lee Bowyer, trying to rekindle our on-pitch contretemps from 2005, but I was informed that he had moved to Birmingham City. He just isn’t up to fighting at a Premier League level any more”. Growing ever more desperate, Dyer even arranged a karaoke night for him and Craig Bellamy, only to find out that he too was set to leave after the club had agreed a fee with Manchester City. “I was so surprised I almost prolapsed my duodenum. Fair play to him though”, conceded Dyer, “Craig is an ambitious lad, and I wish him the best of luck. He now has the opportunity to wrap a golf club around the legs of some of the finest players in world football. And Danny Mills. Yes, he really is still there. I had to look it up.”

Teammates help Dyer settle down for his afternoon nap

Dyer’s frustration is brought home most acutely on match days. “Even during games when I haven’t had to play, Mr Zola makes me run up and down the side of the pitch. I couldn’t believe it- I was trying to watch the game, plus my seat was amazing. Why, it was so infuriating I almost fractured my perineum! In a rage, I tried to throw myself over a ball boy’s outstretched leg, but as we only employ urchins from the East End of London I simply bounced back up off his rickets.”

Despite his recent set back of health, Dyer remains philosophical about the bigger picture. “I guess I’ve been lucky; it’s rare for such a young player, to be blessed with as many injury set backs as I have had. Most players have to wait until the twilight of their careers before they can get a  hip replacement. Yet I’ve had two!” . Above all, Dyer’s determination shines through: “I’ve played in the World Cup and the European Championship, but there are still things I want to achieve in this game. I want to leave a legacy, and be remembered for more than just being insanely rich. One day, I hope to have my own disease named after me.”