John Barnes linked with Rwanda national coaching role: “This is the worst thing to ever happen to Rwanda” say people of Rwanda

Disaster struck Rwanda again today with the heartbreaking news that John Barnes has been heavily linked with the national team post. Following reports that the recently sacked Tranmere manager had been involved in talks with the country’s sports minister Joseph Habineza, the people of the African nation agreed that this was probably the worst tragedy to ever befall the country.

Stuart Hall’s World of Zoos… (3) Manchester City

ROLL UP! ROLL UP! I am Stuart Hall. HA HA! Back again to take you firmly by the hand – HOY! – and guide you around some of the zoological treats on offer on this wonderful planet. Earth is indeed our mother, and I am her adopted son. The moon is my awkward stepfather.

After being forced to enter the confines of Manchester United zoo, and having just been released from self-imposed quarantine I am excited to tell you dear readers that I am going to be taking you for a tour around a Zoo that is very close to my heart, CLOSE TO MY LOINS! In fact it is close to all my zones erogenous or otherwise. Have you guessed where our travels will take us today? What wondrous delights I have in store for you? (Er, Stuart… it says Manchester City in the title? – ed). THAT’S RIGHT! Manchester City Zoo, my beloved, my wife AND my mistress. Sometimes I go and rub myself against its railings, but often the police move me on. DO THEY NOT KNOW WHO I AM!?

Evidently not.

Futfanatico: The Sir Alex Fumes

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott Tucker, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

News reports indicate that Sir Alex is absolutely livid after Russian customs destroyed specially crafted regenerative meals for his Manchester United side. However, a series of player tweets reveals this is not the first time the Scot has crossed swords over a culinary conflict.

Southgate-gate

Gareth Southgate was this week relieved of his position as manager of Middlesbrough Football Club. The timing of the decision shortly after a home win against Derby surprised many, but reports emanating from the vicinity of Steve Gibson’s mouth suggested that the decision to sack Southgate had in fact been taken as long as two weeks ago, following a poor run of form and results. FistedAway can exclusively reveal the true reason behind Gibson’s delay as it transpires that a Post-it reminding him to “Sack Gareth” had fallen off the chairman’s monitor and had been swept up with the dust around the extension sockets.

Alan Green ruins… Kitten and his box

I’m not negative about many things; the works of the Beatles, rainbows, Manchester United’s terrible executive half time coffee and, seemingly, the fact that I get paid to watch football for a living. However, this grim tableau above really brought into context the truly awful state of team play in modern day kittens.

After an utterly predictable start – yer man pops up in the box, nowhere neeeear play – it went from bad to worse. The absence of any support whatsoever from his teammates left the front kitten stranded in the box. Instead of taking up sensible positions to support him, the whole sorry spectacle was compounded by these lacklustre kittens playfully mauling their teammate. Here – what’s wrong with a handshake, lads? Prima donnas.

Arsene Wenger disgusted by Birmingham City fans for ’sick’ Jasper Carrott chants

Bad blood rose to the surface of old wounds at the Emirates on Saturday. Following a deeply unfunny quip from the stadium announcer, the Birmingham City fans in the away end launched into a lusty appreciation of the ‘funny’ man and City fan Jasper Carrott, disgusting Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.

“Frankly, that is atrocious” spat Wenger. “They will not be remembered for the quality of their comedy choice. Stewart Lee grew up in the West Midlands, they could have picked him instead. More than that though, the insensitivity they have shown is the worst aspect of all this. Alan Davies was here, I don’t know how he felt about the chants. Still, he hasn’t been anything resembling a comedian in years, so may not have even noticed”.

Futfanatico: How Rafa squandered the transfer kitty

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott Tucker, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Liverpool fans floated on cloud nine last April, their beloved Reds within striking distance of Manchester United for the league title, and a semi-final date with Chelsea in the Champions League. Then, to put it simply, the wheels came off. Benitez’s zonal marking made a second choice rightback look like a giant, and the second-to-last-weekend proved a bitter pill. At least, until the summer came along.

Liverpool sold midfield fulcrum Xabi Alonso to Real Madrid, replacing him with the unproven, seemingly mythical Alberto Aquilani. While Rafa did purchase the impressive Glen Johnson, the fans were confused. Where had the transfer kitty really gone? Where was the second Torres to complete an unstoppable offense? Rafa complained to the press about stingy American owners, but recent facts have come to light.

Tony’s Five bands with Five in their name

"Look upon my works ye mighty, and wonder how I get paid for this"

1. Jackson 5

They say you should never go back, and that is certainly true for me and certain parts of Glasgow. But a comeback at this level, at this age? Moreover, I can’t believe the tactical naivety of these jokers. You just can’t continue to play that formation when you are getting no movement whatsoever from the frontman.

Babel ‘disappointed’ by Google ranking

Only 6 games into the new premier League season, Ryan Babel has plunged into depression at his lowly place in the Google pecking order. Despite a fortuitous late brace against Hull on Saturday, Babel was distraught when a self-Googling Sunday session revealed that he was lagging behind entries for Yahoo Babel Fish translator, the film Babel (both the imdb and wikipedia entry) and even the ancient and mythical Tower of Babel.

“[INSERT PLAYER NAME] for England” says [INSERT PLAYER NAME]

Following his perfectly acceptable performance against [insert team], there has been talk of [insert player name] playing his way into the England squad for next year’s World Cup in South Africa.

Speaking after the match, with the potent combination of sweat and adrenaline still coursing through his cerebral cortex [insert player name] said “If I can keep up this run, then who knows? It’s not up to me to decide. That would involve a radical restructuring of the England setup. I just hope that Mr Capello was watching”.  Although the England manager was at the game, it is believed that he left too early to see [insert player name]’s late contribution to the game, which included a speculative shot from 4 yards out which narrowly grazed a steward.