The Afterlife of Brian

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‘Nobody Ever Says Fuck You’

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Luke, tutting loudly at the
stray piss on football’s toilet seat over at Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed :::

Barry Plapp is someone you’ve probably never heard of, but if you’re a football fan you will likely be familiar with his work. In 2008 he was hired by Brian Clough’s widow Barbara to write fresh anecdotes about the formerly-witty, now-dead football management personality. Plapp has played a key role in rejuvenating interest in Clough by creating fresh stories about the forthright blowhard’s life, sustaining the image of Old Big ‘Ead and preserving the posthumous cottage industry which makes a tidy profit from Clough-centric paraphernalia such as books, mouse mats and green jumpers. He got the job after an appropriately brazen interview.

Following Balotelli departure, Gareth Barry ready to “step up and get wacky”

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Following Mario Ballotelli’s departure to AC Milan, his erstwhile Manchester City teammate Gareth Barry has told fans not to pine after the eccentric Italian as he will soon be launching “some of the zaniest sideways passes you’ll ever see”.

Barry added that supporters “won’t know what’s hit ‘em”, though later retracted the statement after becoming worried that people might think he was violent, or was suggesting that they were too stupid to know that they had been hit.

The Back Stick of It

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::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Webbie,
who runs the original – and still the best - Football and Music :::

[ESTABLISHING SHOT] Wide view overlooking Soho Square. The camera then slowly pans over to the FA Headquarters and starts to move in towards the front door. As we enter, we see the marbled halls. The camera takes a walk through looking left and right and there are scenes reminiscent of a gentlemen’s club. Fat suits lounging around, all smoking Cuban cigars. Finally we come up to a closed door, it is opened and we walk through to see a meeting taking place. At the head, behind a giant oak desk there are three FA execs, infront of them sits an impossibly exotic Premier League footballer and his representative/interpreter.

[Suit Number 1] “So then Mr Juniorhohio you know why you are called in here today ?”

[Interpreter turns to footballer] (In Spanish – English subtitles) “These fat pigs want to suck your polla.”

Hey everyone: Let’s Photoshop Sam Allardyce!

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An explanation:

I am on West Ham’s mailing list, having attended a pre-season friendly between West Ham vs Roma in 2007 and never unsubscribed.

These days, the top banner of the Hammers’ emails features Sam Allardyce in a striking pose:

Just look at him. Ripe for the plucking. Why, he could be anything:

• a space rocket!
• a lampshade!
• The Monument to the Third International!

This cut-out is what we are working with:

Get involved

1) Download the source file,
2) Get photoshoppin’,
3) Email or tweet your entries at us

Entries after the jump…

“We need to be more assertive” mumbles Arsenal’s Tomas Rosicky to no-one in particular

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Following a recent run of stilted performances and poor results, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky issued a rallying whisper to his Arsenal teammates today.

Delivering a witheringly quiet rebuke in the direction of his shoes, Rosicky asked if “the rest of the team wouldn’t mind awfully playing a teensy bit better if that isn’t too rude to ask”.

Walcott, Sturridge form new club so they can argue over who plays down the middle

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At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.

The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.

New advert for the Premier League is actually a terrible ‘advert for the Premier League’

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A new advert for the Premier League has received a widespread panning for being, in truth, “a terrible advert for the Premier League”. Fans and critics alike have dismissed the advert for being unrealistic, bombastic, and – worst of all – a bit silly.

The advert, which featured a soundtrack somehow combining indie-rock, dubstep and a gravel voiced Scottish man reading an unprecedentedly alliterative poem that may as well have been written by a 12-year-old, was shown for the first time at an all star gala co-hosted by Mark “Clem” Clement and Tim “44″ Lovejoy.