::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Webbie,
who runs the original – and still the best – Football and Music :::
[TV anchor] “And finally a curiosity item from Walsall in the West Midlands where a dedicated Manchester United fan claims to have found the likeness of Sir Alex Ferguson, the former Manchester United manager, now a director at the club, in a wine stain. We go over live to our junior reporter Brett Silverton to investigate….”
[SWITCH TO OUTSIDE BROADCAST]
[Reporter] “Daryl Nonentity is not your average consumer, not by any means. This mailroom operative is a dedicated fan who himself confesses to be an obsessive on the one subject. That subject being the football team Manchester United.
Over the years Daryl has watched every match on his vintage Sharp 24″ television. (He wants to get a flatscreen TV but refuses to upgrade until Manchester United partner with another television manufacturer). He has bought every Manchester United endorsed product, from Epson fax machines to Toshiba heart monitors (!). His diet is a strict one of Man United official partner items, mostly beverages such as Smirnoff vodka, Thai beer and the occasional can of imported Kagome tomato juice.
Daryl does not look well.”
“His house, as you may have guessed is painted all in red with tins of Kansai paint, shipped in from Africa. This has got him into disputes with his neighbours and the local council though, but Daryl remains steadfast and is determined to add the Manchester United club crest on the roof sometime this summer.
Then one afternoon as he was viewing his favourite television channel… tell us what happened next Daryl.”
[Daryl] “Well since he’s retired, our glorious leader has been finding other things to do – and luckily for me that involved his new programme on MUTV called: ‘Alex Ferguson’s Chilean Wine Selections’ – So there I was, watching his show. I’ve never missed an episodes you know, I’ve bought every wine he’s mentioned. So anyway, I was pouring a glass of the 2005 vintage Casillero del Diablo Cabernet Sauvignon-Syrah in synchronisation with The Gaffer on the show when some of it splashed over me. I looked down and I immediately recognised the knight of the realm, the saviour of the Old Trafford, looking right at me.
It was as if he was saying to me; “Hey there Big Yin, Why d’ya go’an do that?“
I called my wife in from the Manchester United partnered Kutchenhaus fitted kitchen and shown her the new wine stain on our new Man United endorsed Velocity Fabric reclining 4-seater corner sofa.”
[Interviewer - to wife] “And what did you say when you saw that ?”
[Wife] “I told him what I always telling every bloody day. Stop eating those Paul Scholes Mister Potato savory snacks, stop going online and ordering those pissing Mamee Noodles from Malaysia AND STOP DRINKING THAT FUCKING SINGHA BEER !
Sorry. Can you bleep that ?”
[Interviewer] “No, we’re broadcasting live.”
[Daryl] (popping his head in from the living room) “MUTV ?!!”
[Wife - to husband] “Tell him about your other discoveries. Tell him about about the time when you saw Ryan Giggs in a Nando’s chicken nugget, or when you thought you saw Wayne Rooney in your poo – and that oily rag which you told me had the Phil Jones face.”
[Daryl] (looks embarrassed) “Yes well… anyway… Do you want to see this stain then… it’s on one of the seat covers…”
(Daryl looks down to sofa but the seat cushion is missing.)
“Darling ? Have you seen the cushion with the stain…?”
“Yeah it’s in the washing machine” (She replies)
(Horrified the man rushes to the kitchen and in his haste, slams into the machine door. He looks at the Hotpoint logo, but it seems to be peeling off, he grabs and pulls… another logo underneath..and it says…
[Wife] “I’m leaving yer. I’m going to live with me Mam in Bootle.”