Craig Burley speaks candidly on Setanta’s collapse: “Hae yeez got any spare change pal?”

In a frank and open interview Craig Burley reveals the human toll of the demise of Setanta Sports, his hopes for the future and all things Burley in between.

FA: So Mr Burley, George… may I call you George?

CB: Iss fuhkin..Craaig, ya wank

FA: I’m sorry George, I didn’t quite catch that. Moving on…. SO.. George;  SETANTA, what went wrong and was Scottish football to blame?

CB: C-R-A-G, CRAG, or do I have to write it backwards on my fist in ink and stamp it on your heed? Aah’m no drunk.

“My attempt to sign Michael Owen is not a publicity stunt” sings Phil Brown

“I have to emphasise – oooh bay-bayy – this isn’t a publicity stunt or anything like that. Oh yeeeah-hee-yeaa-ah. We are deadly serious about bringing Michael to Hull” sang Brown at yesterday’s press conference.

To the tune of ‘Let’s Get It On’.

Through a bejewelled megaphone.

Emmanuel Eboué tragically forgets that he is Emmanuel Eboué

Following his agent’s announcement that Emmanuel Eboué will only leave Arsenal for one of the big Italian clubs, the Ivorian’s friends have expressed concern that he has failed to realise that he is actually Emmanuel Eboué reports Nigel Spickanspan.

Alan Hansen’s Abstract Noun of the Week : Proselytism

“Pace…. poooower..pitiful producshin valyooze. “

Ashley Jung’s Goal Celebrationalysis : Anelka

FistedAway are pleased to welcome the influential thinker and the founder of analytical psychology Ashley Jung onto the writing staff. Ashley will be psychoanalysing goal celebrations in an attempt to help us understand the deep rooted psychological reasoning behind each one. He starts with Chelsea striker Nicolas Anelka.

Hull City fear the worst as Phil Brown progresses to speaking in fourth, fifth person

Phil Brown unveils 'Lil Phil'

Hull players and fans alike have privately expressed their concern as noted illeist Phil ‘Phil Brown‘ Brown continued his alarming descent into megalomania.  The popular demotivational speaker and occasional manager  is now habitually referring to himself in the fourth and fifth-person, reports Nigel Spickanspan

Following last Saturday’s loss to Liverpool, Brown conducted the post match press conference alongside ‘Lil’ Phil’: a hand-puppet replica of himself, made entirely from black felt and orange rind. When asked whether the club would be taking disciplinary action against Caleb Folan after his rash red card, the devon fudge-coloured manager looked towards Lil’ Phil, rotating his hand so that he could look the puppet directly in his googly eyes. Brown then wiggled his thumb and pinkie fingers to induce wild gesticulations from Lil’ Phil’s flailing fabric arms.

Arsenal finally achieve long-term ambition: passing the ball into the net

WENGER: “Let’s go home, kids”

KIDS:        “We are home”

WENGER: “That was fast…”

Writing some haiku / For Japanese footballers / Seems kinda racist

Think of your children,

Shunsuke Nakamura:

“I’m fae Glasgae, da!“

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Refs Want Red Card Clarification

"Come on Graham, you KNOW this...."

Following calls by the Professional Game Match Officials Board for clarification on the red card laws, Keith Hackett has produced the following guide:

• They are red in colour.

• Though colloquially known as ‘cards’, they are not actually made of card. Try giving it a lick – yes, it’s sugar paper!

• If you turn it around it is the King of Hearts.

• “Was THIS your card Sir?”

• Although it may be tempting to whip it out dramatically, be careful that you don’t take the card out too quickly as you could get a nasty paper cut – ouchy!

Bayern Munich Fact-Finding : Aiden McGeady

According to the BBC Website:

FistedAway can exclusively reveal the contents of this dossier after Munich’s chief scout left it in Monorail Music in Glasgow, on top of their excellent selections of Can and Neu records.

• McGeady progressed from Celtic Schoolboys to join on a full-time contract at 16. On his official website he says “Full-time training is a great help“. Other things that Aiden thinks are a great help are: “breathing oxygen“, “eating food” and “taking your trousers down before going to the toilet. Always before“.