Robbie Keane reveals his boyhood dream to play for a club that he didn’t support as a child

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Mark Patterson :::

Ireland striker Robbie Keane intends to fulfil the last major ambition of his career by making a January switch to a club for which he feels absolutely nothing.

Keane, 31, has played for nine different clubs since he left Crumlin United as a bright-eyed youngster for the bright lights and orange shirts of Wolves, but told Fisted Away that he had set his heart on a new challenge.

“I’d love to just turn out for a club where I basically didn’t care either way,” Keane said.

“I would be happy even just sitting on the bench for a bit; it would be less pressure than knowing that if I don’t score the winner, my 10-year-old self will cry himself to sleep at night.”

Confused Kaka Graciously Accepts Lifetime Literary Achievement Award

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

As the year comes to an end, awards circulate. Everybody speculates as to who will win the Ballon d’Or. Some say Messi. Others say Xavi. A few say Ronaldo. However, the most shocking award involves none other than Ricardo Kaka.

A few months ago, the Golden Crown Literary Society invited Kaka to their awards ceremony. Why? Well, an unpaid, overworked, and dyslexic intern investigated a list of potential lifetime award candidates. He was delighted to read that Kaka was still alive, and he failed to notice the missing “f” in his name.

When Kaka received the invitation, written in English, he assumed the “f” was a typographical error. Truth be told, he was too happy to be nominated for an award to really try to read or translate the letter.

Roberto Mancini’s imaginary card-waving results in imaginary ban for Martin Škrtel

FA officials studying the video of Manchester City’s 3-0 win over Liverpool have retrospectively awarded Martin Škrtel an imaginary three game ban following Roberto Mancini’s persuasive waving of an imaginary card.

The Imaginary Appeal panel is set to meet on Thursday to imagine what punishment they imagine would be appropriate. If the punishment takes the same form of previous imaginary suspensions, it would lead to Škrtel being ruled out of any imaginary football activities including:

• shadowplay,
• miming that he ‘got the ball’ in a tackle
• and Kenny Dalglish’s imaginary tactical discussions.

Scooby Doo and Gang Bust Dimitar Berbatov for Playing Professional Soccer

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Dimitar Berbatov playing in consecutive games shocked several United fans, but also raised red flags in other quarters. Where? Well, the DWP, that’s where. Why? It seems that after a brief investigation, the Bulgarian played a pivotal role in a welfare abuse scheme. How?

Swindon scientists work to create oft-fabled ’100 Paolo Di Canios’

After Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio’s recent proclamation that he wanted “a team of 100 Paolo Di Canios“, experts in cloning and eugenics have been brought into the fold at the Wiltshire club to try to make his dream a reality.

Interim Chairman Jeremy Wray is believed to have personally ordered the groundsmen from their shed, and set about creating a temporary science laboratory there instead. Wray is hopeful that if the team of boffins goes without “food, drink, light and sleep” they could reach their goal of 100 fully functioning Di Canios by Christmas, allowing the team to push on in the hunt for promotion from League 2 and cunningly bypass the January transfer window.

Fire Brigade finds charred remains of Mario Balotelli’s Manchester City Christmas Party-planning brainstorm

A lone firefighter emerges from the smoke of a bathroom in Mottram St Andrew, Chesire.

Crushing spent fireworks underfoot, he holds in his right hand a crumpled and singed scrap of paper.

Fisted Away has been given exclusive access to this fragile yet terrifying parchment.

We present: Mario Balotelli’s Manchester City Christmas Party-planning brainstorm.

Defiant Wenger silences critics and boldly predicts title run

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

If the summer was bad for the Gunners, the start to the season was even worse. No Nasri. No Fabregas. Fine. But the loss to injury of Jack Wilshere was devastating, and Arsenal touched bottom in a humiliating loss to rivals Manchester United. However, after a 2-1 victory over Sunderland catapulted the Gunners into the upper echelon half of the EPL, Wenger puffed his chest and cut into the now submissive press.

One sprightly young journalist inquired about squad depth, and asked Wenger if any January signings were on the horizon. Wenger laughed so hard that he snorted water out of his nose. “January? Signing? Us? Do you know in what club’s press room you are seated? Did you not see who just won the game? We don’t need any more signings. The players we have were good enough to win today, and, dare I say it, have the talent to march to the title.”

Alan Green ruins… Pet Sounds

It’s been a while since I have come across something so hideous – downright hideous – that I might comment, “That’s a deeeownright hiiiiideous decision, Mr. Clattenburg!”.

But, with the Autumn leaves slowly turning from green to brown, like my children taking their mother’s surname instead of mine, I picked up a copy of The Beach Boys 11th studio album, Pet Sounds, which made me wonder way on earth I bother getting up in the mornings.

Carlos Tevez to spend suspension refusing to play with his kids

Carlos Tevez has today announced his attention to spend his recent club suspension refusing to engage in any way with his children, Florencia, 6, and Katie, 2. Manchester City handed down the suspension to the errant striker after he disobeyed manager Roberto Mancini’s orders for him to come on as a substitute, so Tevez has decided to bring his work home with him.

Kaka Blames Lack of Form at Madrid on Jesus Christ

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Elliott,
editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Any time a major signing doesn’t score a bucket of goals, excuses twirl about like the trade winds of the Pacific. “The league is different,” some say. “The player has a niggling injury,” others cry. “The coach needs to use him better,” fanatics shout. But in the case of Ricardo Kaka’s disappointing form for Real Madrid, the player has bravely pointed the finger at the one person responsible: Jesus Christ.