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Fergie Wine

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Webbie,
who runs the original – and still the best - Football and Music :::

[TV anchor] “And finally a curiosity item from Walsall in the West Midlands where a dedicated Manchester United fan claims to have found the likeness of Sir Alex Ferguson, the former Manchester United manager, now a director at the club, in a wine stain. We go over live to our junior reporter Brett Silverton to investigate….”

[SWITCH TO OUTSIDE BROADCAST]

[Reporter] “Daryl Nonentity is not your average consumer, not by any means. This mailroom operative is a dedicated fan who himself confesses to be an obsessive on the one subject. That subject being the football team Manchester United.

Over the years Daryl has watched every match on his vintage Sharp 24″ television. (He wants to get a flatscreen TV but refuses to upgrade until Manchester United partner with another television manufacturer). He has bought every Manchester United endorsed product, from Epson fax machines to Toshiba heart monitors (!). His diet is a strict one of Man United official partner items, mostly beverages such as Smirnoff vodka, Thai beer and the occasional can of imported Kagome tomato juice.

Daryl does not look well.”

MU Bedroom

“His house, as you may have guessed is painted all in red with tins of Kansai paint, shipped in from Africa. This has got him into disputes with his neighbours and the local council though, but Daryl remains steadfast and is determined to add the Manchester United club crest on the roof sometime this summer.

Then one afternoon as he was viewing his favourite television channel… tell us what happened next Daryl.”

[Daryl] “Well since he’s retired, our glorious leader has been finding other things to do – and luckily for me that involved his new programme on MUTV called: ‘Alex Ferguson’s Chilean Wine Selections’ – So there I was, watching his show. I’ve never missed an episodes you know, I’ve bought every wine he’s mentioned. So anyway, I was pouring a glass of the 2005 vintage Casillero del Diablo Cabernet Sauvignon-Syrah in synchronisation with The Gaffer on the show when some of it splashed over me. I looked down and I immediately recognised the knight of the realm, the saviour of the Old Trafford, looking right at me.

It was as if he was saying to me; “Hey there Big Yin, Why d’ya go’an do that?

I called my wife in from the Manchester United partnered Kutchenhaus fitted kitchen and shown her the new wine stain on our new Man United endorsed Velocity Fabric reclining 4-seater corner sofa.”

[Interviewer - to wife] “And what did you say when you saw that ?”

[Wife] “I told him what I always telling every bloody day. Stop eating those Paul Scholes Mister Potato savory snacks, stop going online and ordering those pissing Mamee Noodles from Malaysia AND STOP DRINKING THAT FUCKING SINGHA BEER !
Sorry. Can you bleep that ?”

[Interviewer] “No, we’re broadcasting live.”

[Daryl] (popping his head in from the living room) “MUTV ?!!”

[Interviewer] “No.”

[Wife - to husband] “Tell him about your other discoveries. Tell him about about the time when you saw Ryan Giggs in a Nando’s chicken nugget, or when you thought you saw Wayne Rooney in your poo – and that oily rag which you told me had the Phil Jones face.”

[Daryl] (looks embarrassed) “Yes well… anyway… Do you want to see this stain then… it’s on one of the seat covers…”

(Daryl looks down to sofa but the seat cushion is missing.)

“Darling ? Have you seen the cushion with the stain…?”

“Yeah it’s in the washing machine” (She replies)

(Horrified the man rushes to the kitchen and in his haste, slams into the machine door. He looks at the Hotpoint logo, but it seems to be peeling off, he grabs and pulls… another logo underneath..and it says…

Liverpool Candy

[Wife] “I’m leaving yer. I’m going to live with me Mam in Bootle.”

*DOOR SLAMS*

Barry Plapp - 'Nobody Ever Says Fuck You'

‘Nobody Ever Says Fuck You’

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Luke, tutting loudly at the
stray piss on football’s toilet seat over at Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed :::

Barry Plapp is someone you’ve probably never heard of, but if you’re a football fan you will likely be familiar with his work. In 2008 he was hired by Brian Clough’s widow Barbara to write fresh anecdotes about the formerly-witty, now-dead football management personality. Plapp has played a key role in rejuvenating interest in Clough by creating fresh stories about the forthright blowhard’s life, sustaining the image of Old Big ‘Ead and preserving the posthumous cottage industry which makes a tidy profit from Clough-centric paraphernalia such as books, mouse mats and green jumpers. He got the job after an appropriately brazen interview.

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Gareth-Barry

Following Mario Ballotelli’s departure to AC Milan, his erstwhile Manchester City teammate Gareth Barry has told fans not to pine after the eccentric Italian as he will soon be launching “some of the zaniest sideways passes you’ll ever see”.

Barry added that supporters “won’t know what’s hit ‘em”, though later retracted the statement after becoming worried that people might think he was violent, or was suggesting that they were too stupid to know that they had been hit.

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The Back Stick of It

The Football Association HQ

::: FistedAway welcomes a guest post from Webbie,
who runs the original – and still the best - Football and Music :::

[ESTABLISHING SHOT] Wide view overlooking Soho Square. The camera then slowly pans over to the FA Headquarters and starts to move in towards the front door. As we enter, we see the marbled halls. The camera takes a walk through looking left and right and there are scenes reminiscent of a gentlemen’s club. Fat suits lounging around, all smoking Cuban cigars. Finally we come up to a closed door, it is opened and we walk through to see a meeting taking place. At the head, behind a giant oak desk there are three FA execs, infront of them sits an impossibly exotic Premier League footballer and his representative/interpreter.

[Suit Number 1] “So then Mr Juniorhohio you know why you are called in here today ?”

[Interpreter turns to footballer] (In Spanish – English subtitles) “These fat pigs want to suck your polla.”

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Daleydyce

An explanation:

I am on West Ham’s mailing list, having attended a pre-season friendly between West Ham vs Roma in 2007 and never unsubscribed.

These days, the top banner of the Hammers’ emails features Sam Allardyce in a striking pose:

"Everything, as long as it didn't include passing"

Just look at him. Ripe for the plucking. Why, he could be anything:

  • a space rocket!
  • a lampshade!
  • The Monument to the Third International!

This cut-out is what we are working with:

Sam Allardyce

Get involved

1) Download the source file,
2) Get photoshoppin’,
3) Email or tweet your entries at us

Entries after the jump…

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Tomas Rosicky

Following a recent run of stilted performances and poor results, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky issued a rallying whisper to his Arsenal teammates today.

Delivering a witheringly quiet rebuke in the direction of his shoes, Rosicky asked if “the rest of the team wouldn’t mind awfully playing a teensy bit better if that isn’t too rude to ask”.

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At a hastily arranged midweek, midday press conference, in a middle-of-the-road hotel in the Midlands, Arsenal’s Theo Walcott and Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge came together to announce their plans to join forces and form their own club.

The press conference was initially delayed for an hour, with each player insisting that they both sat in the middle of the stage. Walcott and Sturridge finally agreed to sit on the same chair, a buttock each, then began informing the media of their plan by both speaking at the same time.

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